DT Pre Market Feb 24 2017

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER™

Just hand over the bread and there won’t be any trouble, say geese

Put the bread on the ground and back away slowly, geese have confirmed today.
The bread, which you had intended to give to some ducks, looks very tasty and it would be a shame if something were to happen to you – if you get the drift.
The geese, who normally just waddle around the park hissing at people like they own the place, don’t want things to get nasty so just be smart and nobody will get hurt much.
And that had better not be some fancy artisan wholemeal and spelt shit you’re carrying. Just smooth white Mother’s Pride, “The good stuff,” they added.
“You’ve heard that story about how a swan can break a man’s arm with its wing?” asked a spokesgoose who threatened to rear up and honk at us if we so much as looked at him funny, never mind named him.
“Well with us geese it’s your kneecaps. Both of them. So don’t try anything funny with that walking stick, boy.
“That’s right. Just throw the bread over there and keep walking, sucker.”
The geese will continue to operate the park bread racket until Big Dazza the swan arrives, as he will mess shit up good and proper if he doesn’t get his share.

Trump, Russia Dispel Collusion Rumours, In Carefully Crafted Joint Statement

By The Shovel on February 16, 2017

The Trump campaign and the Russian administration have never worked together or spoken with each other, a carefully worded joint statement released to media today says.
Labeled ‘To be released when necessary’, the statement, dated October 2016, says that any notion that the two parties had spoken or in any way colluded was fanciful. “We hardly even knew the other existed,” the statement signed by both Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin reads.
Spokesman Sean Spicer said the fact that there were changes on the document tracked in both English and Russian was inconsequential. “Мы не имеем дело с русскими,” he told journalists in his trademark combative style.
“We haven’t been dealing with the Russians,” he continued, “And as the Russians will tell you in a media conference scheduled to start directly after this one, the Russians haven’t been dealing with us”.

Hanson Warns Swedish-Style Non Attack Could Happen Here

By The Shovel on February 21, 2017

The terrorist attack that didn’t happen in Sweden over the weekend is a wakeup call for Australians, One Nation Leader Pauline Hanson says.
Ms Hanson told Channel 7’s Sunrise that what didn’t happen in Sweden could also not happen on Australian soil. “It’s shocking, just shocking. And yet our leaders just stand there and do nothing,” she said.
While ISIS has yet to claim responsibility for the event, Hanson said it was only a matter of time before a link with Islam was found. “Muslims did this,” she told viewers.
With zero casualties reported in the Swedish attack, and many times that number expected to be included in the final count, Hanson said countries that allowed Muslim immigration were naive. “We saw it at Bowling Green, we saw it in Atlanta. And if we allow immigration to continue unchecked, sooner or later the carnage we didn’t see in Sweden we are unfortunately going to see here too"