Have some jokes anyway... Disclosure: I Googled itChuck Norris Jokes
- Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
- If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
- Chuck Norris breathes air ... five times a day.
- In the Beginning there was nothing ... then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
- When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck Norris said, “Say Please.”
- Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead ofcoffeein themorning.
- If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
- The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. You know what happened to them.
- Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
- Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light
- If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, 'Two seconds till.' After you ask, 'Two seconds to what?' he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
- Chuck Norris appeared in the 'Street Fighter II' video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Chuck Norris replied, “That's no glitch.”
- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
- Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
- Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage. It’s now called Red Bull.
- If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.
- On the 7th day, God rested ... Chuck Norris took over.
- Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
- Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight hisheartburn.
- Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
- If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
- Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entirelife. Never.
- Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
- Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
- Some kids pee their name in thesnow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.
- Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st toApril2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris counted to infinity... twice.
- Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
- Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.
- Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
- Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.
- Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
- Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in three moves.
- Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
- Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
- The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris can kill two stones with onebird.
- Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
- Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
- Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
- When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
- Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
- Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
- Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
- Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
- Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
- Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
- When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Because not even glass is dumb enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
- When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
- The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
- Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
- Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
- Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
- There has never been a hurricane named Chuck because it would have destroyed everything.
- Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
- When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he's pushing the Earth down.
- Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
- Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
- Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
- In Pamplona, Spain, the people may berunningfrom the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
- The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
- Chuck Norris can get in a bucket and lift it up with himself in it.
- Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all lethal.
- Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
- Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.
- Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- The showSurvivorhad the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors.
- Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
- Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
- When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
- When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
- It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch60 Minutes.
- Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
- Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
- Chuck Norris once ordered asteakin a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
- We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in theocean. Too many tsunamis.
- Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
- Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
- Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
- Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
- Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.
- Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
- Chuck Norris doesn't need to shave. His beard is scared to grow.
- Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
- In an average living room there are a thousand objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
- Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
- Chuck Norris's belly button is actually a power outlet.
- Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris is the only man who can fight himself and win.
- Chuck Norris'scowboy bootsare made from real cowboys.
- Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
- Theflugets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
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