- Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. - Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back. - Time is what keeps things from happening all at once. - Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. - I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- Never answer an anonymous letter. - It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better. - I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. - Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours. - If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
- No one is listening until you make a mistake. - We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"? - He who laughs last thinks slowest. - Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. - There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
- I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. - Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. - Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. - Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. - I took an IQ test and the results came back negative. - Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? - We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. - 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. - I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. - Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. - My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states. - Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool. - On the other hand, you have different fingers. - I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.
- I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere. - I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back. - Don't steal. The government hates competition. - Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
- All generalizations are false. - The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. - For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? - I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. - I can handle pain until it hurts.
- If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. - Gravity always gets me down.
- It's bad luck to be superstitious. - According to my best recollection, I don't remember. - The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary. - Honk if you like peace and quiet. - Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? - Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
- The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. - Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! - We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die.
- The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread. - The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do. - Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. - If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving. - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them! - I intend to live forever. So far so good. - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? - I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. - I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I - I've had amnesia as long as I can remember. - Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
- Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut." - Evolution: True science fiction. - What's another word for "thesaurus"? - Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. - A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. - I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.
