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2016 manages what 600 assassination attempts couldn’t by killing Fidel Castro

The year 2016 has succeeded where the CIA failed for fifty years by finally toppling Fidel Castro, reports have confirmed.
Castro, who spent the last fifty years battling for human rights by locking up and torturing people who disagreed with him, and shooting anyone who tried to leave, will be mourned by people whose revolutionary fervour outweighs their ability to see honest disagreement as anything other than evil.
After a promising start in which he toppled a dictator, Castro will be best remembered for sending anyone who could build a boat to Miami.
Possibly his greatest legacy is leaving ordinary Cubans literally no wealthier than they were in 1959.
Well-wishers from around the world have rushed to tell those few Cubans with access to unrestricted communications how Castro wasn’t that bad.
In a final irony, Castro, who spent his life battling capitalism, died during the Black Friday sales – a time when people across the world fight to the death for half-price packets of Pringles.
Ordinary Cubans are reported to be in deep mourning, because if the block informant doesn’t report that behaviour it’s possible they won’t be seen again.
Donald Trump has already claimed credit for the death of Castro, because hey, why the heck not?
However, devotees of Castro have vowed to continue his battle, irrespective of the cost.
“Historically speaking, there’s one fundamental difference between socialism and social democracy,” we were told.
“In order to survive, socialism has to build walls to keep people in, whilst social democracy has to build walls to keep people out.”

Donald Trump asks Michelle Obama to stay on as First Lady

President-elect Donald Trump has countered accusations of nepotism by offering the role of First Lady to Michelle Obama.
Trump is said to be angered by recent claims that he is looking to put family members into key government positions and is understood to be reluctant to show favouritism to his wife Melania by handing her the high-profile role.
“Michelle’s very experienced,” said Trump.
“She’s being doing the job for eight years and knows where the kitchen is and where the towels are kept.
“It’ll take years for Melania to work all that stuff out, so if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.
“I’m told that putting members of my family in important positions is unethical just because I wanted to put my 10-year old son Barron in charge of Homeland Security, well maybe this will keep do-gooders happy.”
Some advisors also believe that retaining Obama in the role of First Lady may help enhance Trump’s standing amongst African Americans.
“Michelle is hugely popular in the country,” says political analyst Simon Williams.
“And having an African American in a high profile role can’t do any harm. As we saw during the campaign Melania has a tendency to repeat what Michelle says anyway, so why not go for the original?”
However, Michelle Obama has confirmed that she is not interested in staying on as First Lady.
“I can’t think of anything worse,” she told reporters.
“Living in the White House with that horrible man. No thank you.”
Melania Trump added, “Same.”

School to trial cage fighting

As the Government drops its plans to turn all UK schools into academies, Lonchester High School in Hull pledges to continue offering a curriculum that is relevant to the world beyond the school gates.
“This year we are trialling ultimate style cage fighting for our year 7s,” says head teacher Adam Smarts.
With a reputation for his progressive approach, Smarts views the move as a necessary change to outdated school sports with questionable role models.
“Cage fighting is current, the kids no longer have posters on their walls of football players or pop stars; nowadays it’s all about mixed martial arts.”
At a recent parents evening, Smarts introduced the idea as part of a suite of new initiatives to better prepare the kids for their lives ahead.
“Mr Smarts is right,” says Kevin Chalmers, father of 11-year old Toby who begins Year 7 in the autumn.
“It’s a mucked-up world out there and we need to toughen them up…I don’t want my son prancing around outside when he can be locked in an enclosed space fighting for his life…for me it’s a no brainer.”
Other parents at the school agree and have wholeheartedly backed Smarts and his team.
“Within a week, we’d had 96% of permission slips back and orders for kid-sized fighting gloves.
“Of course safety is important, so our cages have been ratified by the Ultimate Fighting Championship and we always ensure that blood spillage is cleaned up thoroughly between bouts.”
Bullying has been virtually eradicated at the school courtesy of the inaugural teachers versus pupils fight-night.
“The usual troublemakers are either traumatised or incapacitated, so the playground is a much friendlier place.”
Smarts concedes that his ideas are not to everyone’s tastes but insists the results speak for themselves.
“We’ve even saved some money by selling the now redundant sports field for much-needed housing and the occasional death in the arena has helped to keep class sizes manageable.”
Smarts hand-picked team are fully invested in the approach and are keen to quash any residual parental scepticism.
“Come sports day, if anyone still has questions, we’ll get them in the cage, have a good scrap and I’m sure they’ll soon see the benefit…it’ll certainly make a fun change to the usual egg and spoon race,” says head of tactics and geography, Julian Titlow.
Spring term will see Lonchester broadening its extra-curricular options further to include dog fighting and an after school club version of The Hunger Games, with plans to combine the two as an end of year treat for leavers.