they just disappeared, page-8

Let's hope they keep disappearing all the way to the 20's!

CJ - He was VERY popular...took me a long time to sort of grow up enough to appreciate the stupid humour though!!


Some Cooperisms! (As we're feeling happier!)

I backed this horse at twenty to one.
It came in at half past four.
It was so late, it had to tiptoe back to the stables.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'



So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho- Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.



I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

Anyway, I said to the waiter, 'Forget the chicken, bring me a lobster. So he brought a lobster. I said 'Just a minute, it's only got one claw.' He said 'It's been in a fight'. I said 'Bring me the winner'.



Did you hear about the short-sighted bank robber? He went into the bank, he said 'Stick 'em up. Are they up?'

I was walking up the road the other night, a man came out of a doorway. He said 'Have you seen a policeman round here?' I said 'No'. He said 'Stick 'em up'.



I went to the doctor the other Day, I said to him "I've broken my arm in several places.
He said to me "you shouldn't go to those places"

I've been offered a part in a film. It's a very sympathetic part. Very sympathetic. I'll give you a rough idea of what it is.

The scene opens. It's a thatched cottage, all made of thatch. There's violins going. There's a dear old lady sitting in an armchair, there. And a dear old man sitting in an armchair, there. There's a baby in a cot, and a dog on the mat. And I have this very sympathetic part.

I creep in through the door, and hit the old man on the top of the head. He doesn't say much, he just goes 'ooh'. It wasn't loud, it was just 'ooh'. Then I stab the old lady in the back. She doesn't like it. Then I strangle the baby.

Now, this is where the sympathetic part comes in. On the way out, I pat the dog.


This man says to me "my dog's got no nose"
So I said to him "How does he smell?"
"Terrible"

'Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaaggh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.



I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

The back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.


I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?'
He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'



I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace.

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"



I went to the dentist. He said my teeth are fine, my gums will have to come out.

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos ... so the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.



And he said "My dog doesn't eat meat"
I said "Why not?"
He said "We don't give him any"

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and I said I want to buy an ice-cream'.
He said hundreds & thousands?'
I said 'We'll start with one.'
He said 'knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'



I've always been unlucky.
I had a rocking horse once, and it died.

Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.



I went out for a meal last night.
I ordered everything in French.
Everyone looked surprised.
It was a Chinese restaurant.

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.'


He said 'To camp?',


I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.'


I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.'


He said 'Camper?'
I said (camply) 'Make up your mind.'



I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs ... but she's good with the kids.

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away.
Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him.
It was a different elephant.


Interviewer:
And tonight I want to introduce one of the best loved members of the caring profession ... Miss Florence Nightingale ...

TC (dressed as a nurse):
(Leans forward and taps interviewer's knee)
Excuse me, excuse me ...

Interviewer:
Yes?

TC:
Sir Florence Nightingale

Interviewer:
Sir Florence ... ??

TC:
Yes, I'm a night nurse