You really are a great inspiration to me. You have been through such dreadful experiences and fought to break through. Lifting weights! How wonderful to be that strong.
It is interesting what you said about your avoidance mechanism, I think I can see in your case that I would possibly be the same. But I would love to lead a normal life.
I spent 5 weeks in a private clinic several years ago, my agoraphobia was nowhere near as bad then. As it has progressed in the last 18 months or so.
But part of the treatment, which was for the panic attacks was exposure therapy. That did help at that time. Also two weeks were spent on CBT, actually it made me laugh quite a bit because we all had worksheets and this is a great example. The lecturer chalked on the board various questions. The one which I particularly remember was. "If you rang you elderly father and there was no answer, write down your immediate thoughts" Well me, being me. I wrote down, he is either dead or has fallen over. Others a little more sensible put answers like he is shopping etc.
It did make me realise that I am so full of fear, that I catastrophise many things. So I have tried not to jump to conclusions. After each session we were supposed to lie on a mat and meditate. Well, unfortunately, this immediately triggered a panic attack, because if I consciously think about my breathing, it makes it much worse. Although I have learned some simple breathing exercises. Anyway, I came out of there like a junkie, which did not help. I quit the lot cold turkey and moved on.
Hypnosis would petrify me, I don't know why.
I was doing pretty well until about 18 months or so ago, when my Father died, then many awful things happened afterwards and I did not realise, but I had a breakdown. That was then and this is now. So with the help of my new friends here, thank you all I notice older women really embracing life and I want that!
So I am trying to be kinder to myself. But because I am beginning to feel quite inspired I have decided that I must clean up my act. Psychiatrist etc, just wants to put me on more and more drugs. I am on an anti depressant now, which helps, but for years I was prescribed valium by my GP and when he said he was unable to supply this anymore I just freaked out!
This was my crutch, for when I had an attack. I still have some for emergency, but after researching a lot, I understand that although I am not physically addicted I am pschyologically addicted and this drug will eventually make anxiety much worse.
So, I am taking baby steps to get well. Exercise everyday. Avoid alcohol is this makes me worse. Eating two meals a day and now catching up with heaps of tasks which I have left. I feel more positive today. I do eat well and take vitamins. There are a few other obstacles to overcome. Now I have developed a bit of a phobia about the shower, I cannot use the bath either, this is recent.
But if I do not help myself I will land up in a home or something awful. So away I go to get busy. I appreciate your kindness and willingness to share your journey. Thank you x Jo Jo PS your garment sounds wonderful!
I notice older women really embracing life and I want that!
