travel guide for france

Advisory

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department, the
Central Intelligence Agency, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and
Drug Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very
expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a
guide for American travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or
intended.



General Overview

**************** France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on
the continent of Europe, and is for all intents and purposes useless.
It is an important member of the world community, although not nearly as
important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and
some smaller nations of no particular consequence or shopping
opportunities. France is a very old country with many treasures such as
the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western civilization
are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine, and body odor. Although
France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little
used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One
continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people will-
fully persist in speaking French, although many will speak English if
shouted at repeatedly.

The People

********** France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom
drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously over-
sexed and have no concept of standing patiently in a line. The French people
are generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and
undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman

Catholic, although you'd hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are
Communists and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls'
names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.
American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball
caps and colorful pants for easier mutual recognition. All French women
have small tits, and don't shave their armpits or their legs.

Safety

****** In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are
advised that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition,
the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary
shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball
scores and stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much

as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English
Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French
government to flee to London.

History

******* France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other
important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc,
Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years
and is now an airport. The French armies of the past have had their
asses kicked by just about every other country in the world.

Government

********** The French form of government is democratic but noisy.
Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a
run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions,
departments, districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages,
cafes, booths and floor tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper

and Lower (although, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose

members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted.
Parliament's principal pre occupations are setting off atomic bombs in the
South Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to
the most current State Department intelligence, the current President is
someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.

Culture

******* The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not
easy to see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly
ever made a movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude
scenes. Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except
perhaps an evening with a French family.)

Cuisine

******* Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail
is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are
excellent although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this
word. American travelers are therefore advised to stick to cheeseburgers
at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels such as Sheraton
or Holiday Inn. Bring your own beer, as the domestic varieties are nothing
but a poor excuse for such.

Economy

******* France has a large and diversified economy, second only to
Germany's economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly
ever work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch,
they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are
wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber
weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft,
miscellaneous armaments and cheese.

Conclusion

*****France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and

a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French people

didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the nuclear tests they

run. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Spain. Remember no

one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our vacation in

Miami Beach and you are advised to do the same.

Regards, George W. Bush President, United States of America