Apple Launches New, Beautifully-Designed Tax Avoidance Program
By The Shovel on September 8, 2016
Apple has once again raised the bar, with today’s launch of a stunning new global tax-avoidance system.
Some critics had claimed that the rest of the world was catching up to the tech giant’s innovative methods of paying no tax. But Apple has responded in typical awe-inspiring fashion, with a new tax model that mixes superb design with exquisite moral indifference.
At a special invitation-only launch event, CEO Tim Cook said that the new model will allow the organisation to effortlessly avoid tax. “It has a beautiful simplicity on the outside, with all the necessary complexity behind the scenes that you don’t need to worry about,” he said. “We’ve also added a lawsuit resistant feature. Quite simply, it’s the best tax avoidance system we’ve ever created”.
Cook had the crowd eating from the palm of his hand as he demonstrated how the company could turn $230 billion in revenue to just $11.95 in tax. “It’s a game-changer,” he said.
Bob the Builder creating unrealistic expectations of the construction industry, parents warned
Bob the Builder is giving children unrealistic expectations of a construction industry which can fix it and gets jobs done on time and on budget, parents have been warned.
Bob, whose cheery refrain of “Yes we can!” is a winner amongst the nation’s children, is accused of giving the next generation a picture of builders which will not adequately prepare them for adult life.
Criticisms levelled at the programme include Bob being clean shaven, wearing spotless overalls, and his arse crack not being on semi-permanent display.
Moreover, Bob has never shouted to Mrs Broadbent that she should ‘cheer up because it might never happen’.
“It would give children a far more honest impression of the building trade if Bob were to say ‘No mate, it’s rooted before going and having a cup of tea”, we were told by Construction Industry spokesman Si Williams.
“There’s so many errors in this programme I barely know where to start. He’s never offered anyone a discount for cash, he’s not got halfway through a job and then ducked off to Marbella for three weeks without warning, and is at least forty or fifty pounds too slim.
“Furthermore, Bob clearly knows how to use punctuation marks and grammar in his written documents, which is frankly laughable.”
Programme makers have promised to address issues with the show by making an episode where Farmer Pickles stays in all day waiting for Bob to come round to repoint his **le end, but Bob never turns up because he’s in the pub watching the racing.
Matt Murdock banned from competing at the Paralympics
Blind New York Lawyer Matthew Murdock has been sensationally sent home from the Rio Paralympics for ‘blatantly taking the piss’.
Murdock, who was entered for most blind events at the game including gymnastics and martial arts, had been expected to take more gold medals than Michael Phelps until the shock decision.
Team USA have protested the decision, claiming that Murdock’s incredible abilities were simply the result of his hard training and bravery.
“He’s a bit of a daredevil,” they insisted.
Murdock’s Team USA teammate Tony Stark, whose prosthesis allows him to outrun other athletes at speeds of up to 2,600mph, has also been sent home.
The IOC confirmed that Murdock wanting to take part in the blind football was the final straw.
“We appreciate that Murdock is genuinely blind after a nuclear accident in his youth, but we don’t think he was telling the whole story when he applied to compete in the games,” we were told.
“There’s a team from Japan who can compete with him in the martial arts, but nobody in the football.
“He can smell the ball and ‘watch’ it with some sort of supernatural radar. That’s clearly an unfair advantage.”
Murdock says he will appeal the decision, which he expects will be quite easy as not only is he a hot-shot lawyer but he can also appear dangling from a grapple outside IOC member’s bedroom windows at 3am.
The British Paralympic football team have also lost their goalkeeper, as despite having no legs he is half fish and can ‘swim’ through the air.
New Apple Airpods set to become most frequently lost item of all time
The new Apple Airpod wireless headphones will replace car keys as the planet’s most frequently lost items, according to reports today.
As Apple revealed the new iPhone 7 and it’s wireless Airpods, the tiny earpieces will help Apple corner the market in things consumers have to buy repeatedly because they keep losing them.
Apple explained during the launch event, “The Apple Airpod is tiny. Like, really tiny. The sort of tiny you’ll keep thinking is in your pocket when it’s actually on the floor somewhere you left twenty minutes ago.
“Taking out your headphones will never be more stressful than we have now made it, and Airpod users will soon be recognised in offices around the world by their call of ‘has anyone seen my other Airpod?’.”
Apple user Simon Williams said, “The new iPhone 7 looks good, but I’m not sure about those wireless Airpods.
“Speaking as someone who constantly has to push in-ear headphones back into place, I really don’t fancy spending £159 every time one works loose in a busy place.
“On the plus side, I guess it will be quite easy to recognise an iPhone 7 owners using them – they’ll be the one on their hands and knees on the bus asking people to move their feet.”
