From the depths of the crypt at St. Giles
Came a scream that echoed for miles.
Said the Vicar: "Good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"
There was a young lady called Harris,
That nothing could ever embarrass;
Till the bath-salts one day
In the tub where she lay
Turned out to be plaster of Paris
There once was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whor in a cave.
He said, "What the hell,
You get used to the smell,
And think of the money I save!"
There once was a man named Matt
Who was short, bald, ugly, and fat.
I'm willing to bet,
The only pussy he gets
Is when he goes home to his cat
There was a young girl from France
Who got on a train, by chance.
The engineer fu*ked her,
As did the conductor,
And the brakeman came in his pants.
There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who thought men had not enough pr*ck in 'em.
On her knees every day
To God she would pray
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.
A flea and a fly in a flue
Were caught, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "Let us flee."
"Let us fly," said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
There was a lady who triplets begat
Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.
There once was a pirate (the story relates)
who liked to go dancing on roller skates.
He fell on his cutlass
which rendered him nut less
and virtually useless on dates.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose d*ck was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a c#%+ I would f@#* it!"
There once was an old man of Esser,
Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser,
It at last grew so small
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a college professor.
A mouse in her room woke Miss Doud
Who was frightened and screamed very loud
Then a happy thought hit her
To scare off the critter
She sat up in bed and just meowed
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
After the ride
She was inside,
And the smile was on the face of the tiger
There once was a guy named Matt
Who had an overly large cat
When it chased a mouse
It shook the whole house
So Matt got rid of the cat.
An epicure dining at Crewe
Found a very large bug in his stew.
Said the waiter, "Don't shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too."
A gentleman Katey knew slightly
Persisted in e-mailing nightly
To ask her if she
Would ever be free
To come round and tie him up tightly.
On the breasts of a barmaid at Yale
Are tattooed all the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Are the same, but they're written in Braille.
In an earthquake, the best thing to do
Is to set about having a screw:
When you're done, you can say
In a nonchalant way,
"May I ask, did the earth move for you?"
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