Daytraders After Market Lounge 24th October, page-26

Share market double speak, courtesy of Marcus Padley ...

"DOUBLE MEANING

There are a lot of things in the share market that say one thing but mean another. Like these for instance:

• Invest for the long term – Please don’t ring up when we lose your money in the short term.
• Invest for the long term – Because I won’t be here to take your call if it goes wrong.
• The market always goes up – I am a first year Paraplanner.
• Buy and hold – All I want to do is sell you this managed fund, take the trail for the rest of my life and never have to speak to you ever again.
• What you need is a diversified portfolio – I have absolutely no value to add when it comes to stock selection.
• We take a balanced approach – Your losses will balance out your gains.
• We recommend a conservative approach – You know you really could be doing this online if you had half a brain.
• It’ll be alright in the end – It was a terrible recommendation in the beginning.
• Average down – I know absolutely nothing about technical analysis.
• If you never sell you never make a loss – I’m an idiot.
• Compound that at 12.5% per annum and you double your money every six years– I’m a salesman.
• Invest in businesses not share prices – I have been an analyst for 20 years but have never bought a share in my life.
• The market is a popularity contest in the short term and a weighing machine in the long term – I’m sticking to my guns despite all the money you’ve lost on paper.
• Our favourite holding period is forever – It’s got really ugly now but I still refuse to admit I’m wrong.
• You can’t time the market – I can’t time the market.
• It’s a conviction buy – No-one takes any notice of my buy recommendations.
• It’s a high conviction buy – No-one takes any notice of my conviction buy recommendations.
• It’s a high conviction sell – They strung us along on that corporate pitch for weeks then did the deal through UBS instead.
• The capital raising is for working capital purposes – It’s our annual grab for cash which allows me to bung my non-executive brother-in-law $30,000 and continue paying myself $200,000 per annum and cover the listing fees for another year.
• We have had an independent valuation done – We have paid someone to tell you our company is worth what we want it to be worth.
• It’s a private placement – We gave all the stock to our mates at a discount to the market.
• We are facing challenging conditions (from a big four bank) – We are raking it in, pumping our customers and have just announced another record profit, we just don’t want all those lefties bleating about a big bank tax again.
• I am a value investor – I know nothing about timing the market.
• I am a trader – I can’t be arsed doing any fundamental analysis.
• You can start with only $10,000 – We are incredibly good at separating our clients from their capital.
• Broking is great! – I’m not sure I’m going to cut it as a landscape gardener but what else am I going to do?
• Avoid ANZ Capital Notes – We are really missing the point of hybrids.
• ETFs are fantastic – I’ve never bought an ETF or I’d know that trading most ETFs is like watching paint dry.
• We are moving from BUY to HOLD – Sell.
• We are moving from HOLD to UNDERPERFORM – Sell.
• SELL – It’s too late to sell.
• Come to our free seminar – Come and be told nothing whilst you’re sold something.
• Nevertheless, although, however, on the other hand, for the most part, generally speaking, more often than not, unless of course – I’m an economist.
• We are forecasting a 9% rise in the All Ords index by the end of December – I’m a strategist at a big funds management group.
• Yes I’d love to be in the Herald Sun stock picking competition – I’m about to be publicly humiliated by a monkey, a dartboard, an astrologer and a member of the Oarsome Foursome."

All the best for tomorrow