Saying he couldn’t believe no-one had ever thought of it before, US President Donald Trump today unveiled plans to buy-up advertising real estate on the nation’s missile arsenal.
The first missile – to be launched in Afghanistan later this week – will be fitted out with advertising for Trump University, Trump Hotels, Trump Steak and Ivanka Trump’s fashion line.
“You’ve got all this unused space on our missiles. So much space. It’s crazy! And it’s going so cheap!” Trump said. “I mean, people wonder why jobs are leaving the US”.
He said that although Afghani’s were probably not in a position to buy a Trump steak or an Ivanka Trump necklace just now, they could be in the future. “That’s what smart businessmen do. They think ahead,” he said. “So when we set up a Trump Hotel in Kabul in five years time, Abdul or Mohammad will say ‘oh yeah, I remember that. That was on that bomb that killed my family’. It’s memorable. It’s advertising that really stays with you”.
Queen to put Duke of Edinburgh out to stud
The Queen’s husband, the Duke of Edinburgh is to be retired and put out to stud.
The Duke, who has sired at least four healthy offspring, will be a highly-prized stud royal and could command very high fees for breeding.
“The Duke has performed splendidly for over sixty years,” said a spokesperson for the Royal Family.
“He clearly has immaculate genes and we’re confident that a number of royal families around the world will be interested in having him breed with their females to create strong and extremely royal offspring.”
However, because of the Duke’s age, his breeding will be limited.
“The Duke is 95 and is perfectly capable of producing healthy young as evidenced last year by – no, wait, I’m not supposed to say anything about that.
“The point is that, whilst still healthy, the Duke is 95 and therefore any breeding program must be restricted to take account of that fact. I would guess that he will breed two, maybe three times each year.”
It is understood that any stud agreement will have a clause written into it that absolves the Royal Family for any responsibility should the offspring of any royal bred with the Duke grow up to become profoundly racist.
Nude playboy model mountaineer condemned by men who can’t find photo on Google
Jaylene Cook, a playboy model who stripped naked for photos on a sacred mountain in New Zealand has been roundly condemned by men unable to find the photos on Google.
“I think it’s a bloody disgrace,” said closet pervert Simon Williams.
“This idiot woman has shown tremendous disrespect by undressing on one of the most sacred sites in New Zealand.
“The least she can do is make the pictures available on the Internet so we can all see just how disrespectful and offensive she’s been.
“She looks really quite fit – except in the picture where she’s looking all sad for the New Zealand media – so it’s important we can see this disrespectful act for ourselves.”
The model herself has denied causing a ‘public disturbance’ on Mount Taranaki earlier, but has left many frustrated the lack of freely available nudity.
“There’s a photo on the BBC website, but it’s rubbish. she’s facing away from the camera, and they’ve blurred out the best bits,” continued Mr Williams.
“You can’t see anything.”
Ms Cook is unlikely to face charges, though Williams has insisted that he is deserving of compensation.
“Yes, gets away scot free, but I’ve lost two hours this morning trying to find these photos, so how do I get compensated for that, eh?”
