Phone answering machine message "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day .......... but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf..........And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. ..................He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" ......The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. .......Police say that he topped himself.
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." ..... "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." .... "Is it common? "...... "It's not unusual."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " .............."No, because he's really heavy"
Two elephants walk off a cliff........boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? .........A fsh.
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?".............. I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "Your round." ............The other one says, "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the boobs!"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. .......They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" ........The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
