Thank you again for all of your time, I don't want to fill this lovely thread with my ailments, it is tiresome for others and makes me feel a bit self indulgent.
I have had my heart checked, seems ok. I do have a thyroid problem, under active which can go the other way, so I am on thyroxine and have blood tests every 3 months.
I have been in several situations where I have been gasping for breath. Fighting off my Mother, dislocating my knee, I must ask about adrenal function. But I will try to describe how I am.... I am petrified to relax fully. My parents could not swim and always cautioned me against all sorts of awful dangers. My Dear Grandmother grew up in the Victorian era in London and when she discovered I was to work there, she said never walk close to a basement as a dirty old man may be hiding down there and hook you down with a walking stick!
She said all men were filthy animals. Fear was bred into me. I had swimming lessons many times, but as soon as I started to float I totally panicked, I cannot let myself go I guess. I cannot sleep on my back or front, so many odd things. Funnily enough I have read that some people with a panic disorder get worse if they try to relax and meditate. I am scared to let go, it is not so much fight or flight it is that I freeze, totally.
You may be thinking ahh this sounds like sexual abuse, but luckily that never happened. It was all emotional and physical. I will try the crawling, I will try anything really. But I just want to let or make it go away.
There are so many struggling with far worse awful problems, that I must be grateful, honestly I must. Take care Jo Jo
