first on the complaining. I don’t see that. Goodness we each have our turn in our own way. This is the complaining thread. So I’d just keep going until this comes right for you. It might be self indulgent in some ways but guess what being self denying and self sacrificial might well be what has got you to the point you feel you are being crushed. So I’d go right ahead. There will be a point where it stops.
my comments are thoughts only and ideas you might try. Or maybe things you might think of. I hope none of them make things worse
I don’t think it’s about sexual abuse. It sounds like it’s your grandmother’s and mother’s trauma passed on to you through learned behaviour. it sounds as though your grandmother might have been raped or assaulted or at the very least been traumatised as well. She must have passed that on to subsequent generations. it doesn’t have to be sexual to create trauma btw.
I think you are spot on that the reason why the panic gets worse when you try to breathe or relax is because your body has been trained to remain hyper alert. letting down your guard poses a potential risk to you because your subconscious now thinks if you aren’t alert something will happen. And it sounds as though being unable to breathe is part of your learned response.
freezing is actually part of the flight fight response. It’s a version of flight. And it’s an adrenal response. But it sounds to me as though your adrenal system is not properly regulated any more. It has become almost permanently switched on. What that does is give you jitters but worse when it happens your brain is flooded with cortisol which, if sustained, is toxic. It interferes with digestion, causes inflammation and can destroy brain cells. It interferes with good brain function because the whole point of it is to shut thinking and otter body functions down.
but these are the good things I see from your posts. It’s quite clear you have a capacity for joy. It’s clear you can think and think logically. You come across as a caring and kind human.
there is a state called flow. It is a state where one becomes so absorbed in a task that you enter a meditative state. But you aren’t entering it by trying to relax. You enter it by being at one with the task. What that does is bring calm. My art work serves that purpose for me. in my last place propagating plants did it as well. There I was alone with plants and I’d simply prepare cuttings for hours and repot. I always felt utterly peaceful there.
is there any task or activity that does or did that for you Maybe if you can’t think of one think of something you love doing and start don’t worrying about the thinking that goes on. You will also have lots of self chatter but at some level your brain will be focused on the task and take attention from the chatter.
the other thing you might try is to see whether you have other things that need focus. One of the benefits of weights for me is I can’t afford not to think about what I’m doing. The idea of dropping them on myself is a bit scary.
I’d say forcing yourself to do something physical every day is essential. Physical activity will use up some of the excess energy and product of your adrenal system. At present you might think energy is weird - you probably feel you have no energy. But you do - it’s just going to the wrong spot. So get active somehow. Try weights. You can get little dumbbells from Kmart. Two kilo. Three kilo. Four kilo. Whatever. They aren’t expensive but they’ll help
I suspect you’ll say you won’t keep it up but You just have to show your ego that your will is stronger. If you hear your little voice telling you you’d never keep it up tell it to F off
stretch yourself. But don’t do more than is sensible or you give yourself a reason to stop. Change patterns so your neural pathways change. Do something you’ve never done before so your brain has to focus. Even new physical activity requires focus. Crawling can do that. It’s not actually as easy to crawl as you think
anyway that’s my thoughts for the day. Maybe there’s something helpful in there.
