Sounds like the whole thing has upset you quite a deal -- that's understandable, it is a grotesque situation being inflamed by disturbed individuals.
To eventually rid yourself of the trauma , it is important to understand the reasons behind the use of violence and until you do, it will remain a real thorn in your psyche
The best consensus is that Russia's special operation was launched because of the on going hyper militarization of Ukraine by extremist fanaticals. The Russians were very concerned about the ongoing slaughter of civilians in the Donbass and the growing Nazification by certain other groups, as well as increased NATO presence and influence.
I realize you have a different perspective but it is wrong imo and I can only suggest you do more reading on the historical background
