Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God. “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer into almost every home in the US, yet you also created that ghastly windows ’98. I am going to do something that I’ve never done before…..I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.” Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?” God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision.” “Fine, but where should I go first?” Bill asked. “I’ll leave that up to you.” God replied “Okay then,” Bill said, “Lets try Hell first.”
So Bill went to Hell. It had a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. “This is great,” he told God. “If this is hell, I really want to see heaven.” “Fine,” said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. “Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell.” He told God. “Fine,” replied God, “As you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.
“How’s everything going?” He asked Bill. Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. “This is awful. This is nothing like the hell I visited two weeks ago. I can’t believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and beautiful women playing in the water????”
“Oh,” replied God, “That was Hell 95’. This is Hell 98’ .
I was told that an Irish terrorist group allied to OBL had been ordered to send an Email virus to paralyse the world but the orders were misunderstood. That is why they sent the anthrax to Microsoft because their software spreads it faster.
It was announced by the Gold industry today that gold has been found to prevent anthrax infection. All you have to do is rub a piece of gold over your body once a day. Using a five kilogram bar to bash your mail flat before opening really fixes those pesky little spores too.
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and askes, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
How rich is Billgates? 1. Bill Gates earn US$250 every SECOND, that's about US$20 Million a DAY and US$7.8 Billion a YEAR! 2. If he drops a thousand dollar, he won't even bother to pick it up coz by the 4 second he pick it, he already earn it back. 3. US's national debt is about 5.62 trillion, if Bill Gates was to pay the debt by himself; he will finish it in less then 10 years. 4. He can donate US$15 to everyone on earth but still left US$5 Million for his pocket money. 5. Michael Jordan is the highest paid athlete in US. If he don't drink and eat, and keep his annual income @ US$30 Million up, he'll have to wait for 277 years to become as rich as Bill Gates now. 6. If Bill Gates is a country, he is the 37th richest country on earth, or US 13th biggest company, even bigger then IBM. 7. If exchange all Bill Gate's money to US$1, you can make a road from earth to moon, 14 times back and forth. But you have to make that road non-stop for 1,400 years, and use a total of 713 BOEING 747 plane to transport all the money. 8. Bill Gates is 40 this year. If we assume that he still can live for 35 years, he has to spend US$6.78 Million per day to finish his money before go to heaven. 9. BUT!!! If Microsoft Windows' users can claim US$1 for every time their computers hang because of Microsoft Windows, Bill Gates will bankrupt in 3 years!
