market lingo

For all of you who are having trouble with the stock market these days, here is a little something to help you put things in perspective.

Bull Market -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market -- A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

Momentum Investing -- The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker -- What my broker has made me.

Buy, buy -- A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

Standard & Poor -- Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock Split -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner -- A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-Eleven for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction -- The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Yahoo -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

Institutional Investor -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

Profit -- Religious guy who talks to God