There's much more to being an Australian than smelling like a rose and forming an orderly line. Really, what new migrants need is a full range of short courses that explain the intricacies of being an Australian.
Opposition spokeswoman for citizenship Teresa Gambaro caused a stir when she suggested new migrants should be taught how to use deodorant and wait in a queue, in order that they might integrate more effectively into Australian society. Clearly she didn't go far enough.
There's much more to being an Australian than smelling like a rose and forming an orderly line. Really, what new migrants need is a full range of short courses that explain the intricacies of being an Australian. Here are just two examples of relevant short courses:
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When you come from an undemocratic, corrupt or dictatorial country – as some of our migrants do – it can be difficult to know how to complain about the seemingly benign Australian government. But partaking in this pastime is fundamental to fitting in Down Under.
One-day courses would include "I'm only earning $150,000 a year and the government is taking away my welfare", "Bananas are expensive, when's the next election?" and "My mortgage repayments are getting out of control, why did the government let me buy this house?".
Understanding football
There's a rumour doing the rounds that many migrants don't understand Australian rules or rugby, and instead follow a strange sport with a round ball. That won't do. In Melbourne, for example, talking about football – what team you go for, who won at the weekend, the progress of Juddy's groin strain – forms the basis of most polite conversation. It is unreasonable to expect us Australian-borns to talk about something else just to accommodate a new migrant who can't be bothered to come to grips with a new sport.
Of course, educational programs such as these can only achieve so much. Over time, migrants will no doubt revert back to their old, smelly, pushy ways. Which is why they should also be made to recite a pledge each day before they start work. Perhaps something like this:
"I pledge allegiance to Australia, the best bloody country in the world. Certainly better than England. Better at weather, better at being big, better at sport (Australia 803 all-time Commonwealth Games gold medals, England 612).
''I pledge to never, ever learn the second verse of the Australian national anthem, but be able to recite every word of the Qantas song. I won't commit Shakespeare to memory, but I will learn by heart large chunks of The Castle.
''I reserve the right to label anyone less cultured than me a bogan and anyone smarter than me an elitist.
''I'll call Russell Crowe an Aussie when he's winning Oscars. I'll call him a Kiwi when he's throwing phones.
''If I win something truly momentous such as a Nobel prize or Brownlow, I promise to say I'm not much into medals and trophies and stuff.
''I will defend the use of the chant 'Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. Oi, Oi, Oi'. It is clever and inspiring.
''Donald Bradman's average was 99.94. If he had scored just four in his last innings it would have been 100. He got a duck.
''Whenever I travel overseas I'll seek out other Australians and lament how much I miss Vegemite and Tim Tams and Bert Newton.
''If I'm a male, and I hug another male, I will firmly slap him on the back three times to prove I am not gay.
''If people arrive in our country on a boat I will be outraged. If they arrive on a plane I will say they add to the fabric of our society.
''I agree to honour Australia's sacred days: April 25th, Collingwood v Essendon. January 26th, cricket at Adelaide Oval.
''And I'll always wear deodorant and wait patiently in line. Promise."
