01 September 2017 Spring Day Trading Pre Market, page-2

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER™


‘I’ve never seen Game of Thrones’ the new ‘I’m a vegan’



A man who has never seen Game of Thrones and isn’t going to start now seems to think that everyone wants to hear about it.
Lonely misanthrope Simon Williams, whose interests appear to include some sort of sport thingy featuring balls, labours under the delusion that other people are fascinated by how he has no interest in watching the fantasy drama that is currently the most popular thing on television.
Despite not caring about Game of Thrones, Simon has taken the time to track down more than half the people in his office and tell them exactly how much he doesn’t care about it and is expected to have got to everyone before the day is out.
Having ensured he’s told everyone how much he doesn’t care, he then intends to make sure they all know he has no plans to watch the series.
“It’s just Sean Bean fighting orcs or something like that, isn’t it?” he told co-workers whilst blithely ignoring their weary expressions of contempt.
“What I don’t understand is why people get so worked up about something that has absolutely no relevance to their actual lives.
“Some of the hardcore idiots even dress up as their favourite characters. Can you believe that!
“Anyway, I can’t wait to go and see my team play on Saturday. I’ve got the centre-forward’s shirt that I like I wear.”



Cunning employee secures seventeen extra breaks by taking up smoking



An office worker has managed to effectively wrangle an extra hour off work every day.
Simon Williams, 27, traditionally worked 9-5 with an hour for lunch and leads a fairly healthy lifestyle.
“But then I noticed that my colleagues who smoke can take about ten minutes to themselves whenever they feel like it,” said Williams.
“So now I’m on twenty a day.
“Yes, I will die younger, but the amount of free time I’ll have compared to non-smokers at work means that the amount of time I’ll spend actually feeling alive is roughly the same.”
Simon’s manager, Jay Cooper, said, “I’m annoyed at Simon because I know damn well why he’s doing this, but legally there’s nothing I can do to stop him.
“For some reason, we have to make special allowances for people who want to turn their lungs to shit, so I’m pretty much powerless to do anything.
“Technically our employees can just take five minutes to go and stand outside if they want to, but that’s where the smokers go, so if you don’t smoke it’s horrible.
“It’s so unfair. I’m addicted to meth and I have to wait until I get home.”



Halfwit actress’ website may not be the best source of medical advice, says shock report



A website filled with the wittering voices in Gwyneth Paltrow’s head may not be a better source of health advice than an actual qualified doctor, according to shock claims made today.
The website, which is relied upon by gullible people with too much time and money to keep them in peak physical condition, has been criticised for content whose health value ranges from ‘no noticeable effect whatsoever’ to ‘this shit will f* you up’ – leading some to suggest that the whole thing is just a mechanism to use fame to milk wealthy morons.
Investigators concluded that the closest thing Paltrow has to a medical qualification is that time she replaced Tony Stark’s robot heart in Iron Man, and it would be unwise to assume that meant her advice to blow steam up your fanny is worth following.
Goop has defended their claims, which include saying that Paltrow’s signature perfume ‘can act as an antibiotic’ and walking barefoot can cure insomnia.
“It might, it might not,” they told us. “We’ve never actually checked, but that doesn’t mean it absolutely doesn’t, does it?
“You say ‘deceptive’, we say ‘unsubstantiated’. Just because something hasn’t been proved, that means it hasn’t been proved false either.
“You and your ‘science’ and ‘facts’ and ‘double-blind peer reviewed studies’. What you feel in your heart is more valuable than any of those things when it comes to wellness.
“The human body is capable of remarkable things if you just believe, and what better way to show you believe than by forking out a few thousand bucks for our products?”