DAS CHUKLE™ Saving Private Ryan branded ‘alt-left propaganda’...

DAS CHUKLE™



Saving Private Ryan branded ‘alt-left propaganda’



Right-wing fringe groups including white supremacists, neo-Nazis and the Trump White House administration have labelled multi Oscar award-winning Saving Private Ryan as ‘alt-left propaganda’.
The film allegedly highlights a bunch of ‘alt-left thugs’ who are ‘armed to the teeth in every scene’ and who remain ‘steadfastly and violently opposed to any worldview different from their own’.
A White House insider told us it was typical of the liberal bias in the entertainment industry that such a film was allowed to be made.
They explained, “There was violence on both sides of that dispute, but only the alt-left get to tell their version on the big screen, how can that be a good thing for a free and democratic society?
“I think you’ll also find they stormed that beach without the correct permissions or permits. No wonder there was so much violence – how did they expect the other side to react?
“Personally, I think the alt-left should shoulder the majority of the blame for any deaths that occurred as a result.”
Alt-right campaigner Chuck Williams told us, “Can you imagine a film about a gang of white supremacists going around killing black people just so they can save another white person? No, you can’t.
“And let me tell you, Hollywood is not interested – no matter how many versions of the screenplay you send them.”
Donald Trump was asked about his views on the film, and expressed his admiration for the production values on display, though it was several minutes before reporters realised he was actually talking about the porn-parody, Saving Ryan’s Privates.



Aircraft carriers named after Royal Family because they’re a huge waste of money, confirms MoD



The Ministry of Defence has confirmed that the Royal Navy’s two new aircraft carriers have been named after the Queen and the Prince of Wales because, much like them, they are an enormous waste of money.
The cost of the aircraft carriers was originally thought to be in the region of £5.2bn, which is an amount the nation can definitely spare in the current economic climate, but the firms building the new aircraft carriers say the cost has risen by at least £1bn and possibly almost £2bn.
A MoD spokesperson revealed, “It seemed a fitting tribute that two people who have contributed very little to the country at the taxpayer’s expense should have the honour of having their names put to what amounts to 120,000 tonnes of metal contributing very little to the country at the taxpayer’s expense.
“Also, we’ll be spending millions of pounds sending them to the far flung corners of the world for years to come, so the Royal symmetry doesn’t end just with their manufacture.”
Royalists have said they are delighted with the impact the aircraft carriers have on the country, insisting they do more good than harm.
Royalist Miriam Walters said, “People come from all over the world to have attacks launched at them by our aircraft carriers, we should be proud they’re ours.”
A Navy spokesperson concluded, “Of course, their main function will be to aim various weaponry with the intention of harming foreigners, which is why we didn’t name one after Prince Philip, we thought that would be a little too on the nose.”


Littlehampton branch of Wimpy misses out on Good Food Guide restaurant of the year yet again



There was disappointment in Littlehampton as their Wimpy restaurant on the High Street missed out being named the Good Food Guide restaurant of the year yet again.
There was controversy last year when it emerged that the compilers of the Good Food Guide hadn’t even visited the Littlehampton branch of Wimpy, effectively ruling out of any chance of it being named restaurant of the year with no one even sampling a meal.
Restaurant Nathan Outlaw in Cornwall won the prestigious title.
“Well, look, nothing against Restaurant Nathan Outlaw, I’m sure it does some great food,” said Simon Williams, manager of the Littlehampton branch of Wimpy.
“Although, I understand that it’s a fish restaurant, so that seems a bit limited to me.
“But the fact is, we’re a great little restaurant, you can get a bender in a bun, a brown derby, or you can just get a nice cup of tea and read the Littlehampton Gazette. Tuesday evenings, we’ll do a free Fanta with every meal.
“Now, you can’t tell me that Restaurant Nathan Outlaw can do all that.”
101-year-old Eleanor Gay has been visiting the Wimpy for her breakfast every day since 1979.
“I love it here,” She laughed.
“They do a lovely banana split and don’t charge to refill my tea, it’s restaurant of the year for me for sure.”
Although Mrs Gay received a free plate of chips as she told us this, there is no suggestion that the chips were in exchange for her positive endorsement.
The Good Food Guide refused to answer any queries regarding the Littlehampton branch of Wimpy not being named restaurant of the year.