Dear @Sweetsound - this is so heart-rending, will reply a thoughtful reply - this is just a 'quicky' -
I am - at the moment - ushering a very ill man through the last days of his life - via telephone - he, too, had an upbringing which was less than ideal, and there is a lot of anger there, but mostly against the world, authorities, doctors, his former 'wife' of 20 years, who was a chronic cheat, etc. - I just listen - and - maybe learn as well. He is a gifted individual who never knew how to 'sell' himself etc. - has basic 'love' issues, of all kinds, but no-one can help him resolve those. All I can do is listen and perhaps gently shift his thinking into less dangerous paths. For me it is the duty of a 'friend' to do what I do - if he lived closer, I would be of some practical help, as it is i can only 'listen'. I have been quite ill myself these last 3 weeks, without my doctor giving me a decent diagnosis, nor treatment, just antibiotics - but getting better, but, probably for the first time in my life, know what a painful tummy can do - it is all-encompassing pain. thankGod nearly over. (I probably caught one of those dangerous 'bugs' due to my flooded bathroom and corridor - should have immediately Glen20ied the lot, but rarely use it. But I lost about 10 kg, my feet are their former svelte and slim self - so a bit of good came along with it.
In the end we are forged by the fires of life and a lot depends on how tough the original material was, as to what comes out in the end - none of us know the result of that last trial, but I try to live as graciously as I can (with many lapses!!) - and above all, I have never had issues about being 'lovable' or not - perhaps being a woman, this is easier, as there is always some besotted man around (even if not particularly welcome) to prove that particular point - (I am being flippant - - very!!). I will respond to your post in greater detail, need to think about it a bit - your parents seemed to have already had issues - I, we, were lucky, that despite my husband's pretty dismal childhood, he turned out to be a light-hearted, sanguine individual (he was the one with the 'Hungarian' strain, but only bits, it turns out, but he looked the part) who always saw the 'fun' in things and all our endeavours, many similar to yours, turned into 'play'. My youngest daughter's big problem was/is that she had a sister who was almost 'genius' level and was also hard-working, and managed to achieve so many things, being goal-oriented from about age 11 (!) - and some of their early musical achievements (in Eistedfodds) were achieved together, and then older sister simply left for England. Now she is a middle-aged, deeply opinionated, talented, woman, but no children, a cranky partner - and with social ambitions. 'Social' ambitions are poison IMO. and 'mummy' is always honest, even to her friends, so she (thats 'me') has to be silenced, its that simple, yet we had so much fun in the past. No matter!
My friend's big problem now, is that he is in the throes of emphysema and needs oxygen to survive - and needs to adjust, and will need regular attendances at doctors, hospitals - but also: he never had health insurance. So my big advice, and I am assuming you are younger than him, please get yourself insurance, if you don't already have it.
Please forgive, I need to think about your post a bit more - this is just 'from the gut' - Love: there is always someone around who is willing to love you, if you are willing to love them . . . and 'no conditions'! What is the Hungarian word you remember? I learnt a bit of Hungarian at one stage, was even in a dance group, visited Lake Balaton and Budapest - fabulous city!!! Tau ❤️
- - very!!).
