Responses to
“What is the coolest line a pilot has said to the passengers?”
I was on a crowded flight to Texas. A woman boarded with a very upset 3 year old who was crying and carrying on. You could tell she was already at her wits end. A flight attendant walked over and asked the baby’s name, which turned out to be Elias. A few moments later, a voice came out from the cockpit on the PA system.
“Elias? This is Santa.”
The little boy sat up, focused on the disembodied voice.
“Elias, I want you to be a good boy so I can bring you something really good at Christmas, so no crying or fussing, ok?”
The little boy was wide-eyed as he nodded. He was quiet the whole flight.
The pilot had really banged the plane onto the runway and was dreading having to stand at the door and thank the passengers as they exited. He was certain someone would have a comment, but no one did. He started to relax when everyone had gotten off except a little, old lady with a walker. But when she finally made it up the aisle, she stopped and asked, “Did we land or were we shot down?”
As a plane was flying it started shaking very badly and soon the pilot got on and announced I'm very sorry folks but we have just lost power to one of our engines we are going to try and restart it please remain calm .. a terrified man shouts out please tell us how far will one engine get us ? Pilot pauses then answers the man, “All the way to the crash site. “
I had a late-night Southwest flight to Rochester NY last week. It was the terminus for a long flight that had stopped twice. The pilot thanked the passengers and then said: “Now I want to tell you the same thing my father told me on my 18th birthday. Get your stuff and get out!”
and for the children onboard, we are nearly there and will remain nearly there till we get there
Ladies and gentlemen, sorry for the delay but the automatic baggage smasher has broken down and they have to smash the luggage by hand. They’re working on it.
This is your captain speaking. I’m working from home today. Have a safe flight!”
On a United Express flight from LAX to Memphis TN; “Folks, we gotta barbeque to get to in Memphis so we’re gonna fly it like we stole it but land it like we own it.”
My favorites were two pilots that introduced themselves with their actual names.
The first was Captain James T. Kirk. Really.
The second was Captain Roy Rogers. He would play the theme song from the Roy Rogers western TV show as we were deplaning. “Happy Trails to You”.
Landing in Key West during Fantasy fest, our pilot said in low but fun voice “and let the party begin”…
“hello. Can anyone out there fly a Plane?”
About half way between London and Paris on Christmas Eve the pilot came on the PA with an announcement:
“Ladies, Gentlemen and especially children: I’ve just seen Santa and his reindeer pass by our aircraft and wave to me, if the children will look out your windows now you might still get to see him.”
I'm not a child but I still looked.
After safety procedure demonstration, the lead flight attendant concluded by saying:
“Please ensure that you all have tightly fastened your seat-belts as the captain of our flight today is a LADY, if you know what I mean.”
That brought a smile on everybody's face.
About an hour into the flight, we went through a very violent turbulence waking everybody up. Few minutes after getting stabilized, the PA system buzzed:
“My bad, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. I was distracted while applying lipstick in the rear view mirror.”
All the passengers burst out laughing.
The rest of the flight was peaceful. Later during the landing, due to the strong crosswinds, our plane kept swaying sideways. All of a sudden we dropped on the runway with a back-breaking bang and then bounced a few times. People began panicking as everything was shaking as hell and it was all very noisy.
After shuddering for what felt like a decade, the speed reduced slowly. There was a pin-drop silence before the PA system came online:
“Woah! That was pretty rough, huh. A good day to wear that push-up bra, isn't it ladies?”
Needless to say,the whole cabin erupted in applause and laughter.
On a flight from Washington DC to Chicago. US Air, 1996. We got caught in a crazy violent storm that came out of nowhere. The turbulence was making the plane drop 5–6 feet and came in waves. At some point the flight attendants asked everyone to lower their shades as we headed in for the landing. People were screaming and crying with every drop and roll. I was holding onto my seat as the plane descended and decided to peek out the window. As I opened the shade I saw the lights of the runway right out my window. Not to the side, right in front. That meant we were coming in for a landing SIDEWAYS.
The screams intensified as we neared the ground. We bounced along the runway, and the plane made a horrible noise as we finally skidded to a stop.
Finally, silence.
Pilot comes on the intercom: “Ta-da!”
We were waiting to take off at around midnight from LAX to New Zealand—a very long flight almost entirely over water with virtually no land in between. We were delayed because of a “malfunction.” The pilot came on the intercom and explained that he was waiting for a replacement part and that it would be arriving shortly. Groans were audible throughout the full 747. He then said: “Ladies and gentlemen, I share your disappointment. But we’re going on a long flight, and I can assure you that I would rather be on the ground wishing I were in the air, than in the air, wishing I were on the ground.” After a moment of stillness, applause erupted.
I loved this so much I immediately wrote it down. This is from October 19th, 2011, following a USAir red-eye from SFO to CLT, while waiting for a gate:
“We just traveled over 3000 miles at 600 miles per hour, avoided multiple storms, and landed smoothly in heavy crosswinds, entirely unassisted. And now we can’t travel the last 85 feet at a maximum speed of 2.6 miles per hour without assistance from the ground crew.
A couple of years ago, flying from Dubai to Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, on an Emirates Airline A380. 30 minutes before landing, the pilot comes on the PA with the usual thing “ladies and gentlemen we have now started our descent to Jeddah International Airport…”. And that’s when I realized that the pilot was a woman. A woman landing one of the largest aircraft ever built, in a country in which she was not allowed to drive a Toyota Corolla from the airport to the hotel. Splendid.
It actually came from a flight atttendant about 15 years ago.
"We have a woman pilot and a woman co-pilot on this flight. You are flying in an unmanned plane. "
A German captain announced: We’re almost at our destination airport Muenster. But unfortunately weather conditions are so miserable that landing might not be possible. But the Lufthansa plane just ahead of us is trying. I will observe the outcome and then decide what to do.
Years ago, there was a very low cost airline called PSA (Pacific Southwest Airlines). The other airlines hated the cheap competition. Once, I was on a United Airlines flight. As we flew over the Sacramento area, the pilot announced “If you look to your right, you will see PSA passengers deplaning from their flight.” Looking out the windows, we saw a group of skydivers jumping out of their plane.
After an international flight of over twelve hours, everyone was eager to disembark as soon as we landed. However, we had a long taxi to the terminal and then a long wait for another plane to leave so we could taxi to the assigned gate. In spite of the flight attendant’s announcement asking everyone to stay seated until the captain gave the signal that we were stopped, several passengers unlatched their seat belts and stood up to retrieve baggage from the overhead bins.
At that point the captain’s voice came over the loudspeakers. “Ladies and gentlemen, as you might imagine, after such a long flight with hundreds of passengers, the lavatories are in terrible shape. If you would like to help us out, please stand to indicate your willingness to help clean them.”
Everyone was seated immediately.
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