all out of options

Folks,

The time has now come to start seriously thinking about where we'll be holding the impending $5 party. Being a West Australian-based company, I have no hesitation suggesting that Perth should be the starting point for our celebrations. Any holders from the East - simply drop me an email and I'll promptly arrange to have Archibald fly the Lear Jet over to your home town for swift collection. Just be sure to leave your wives at the airport because the only women at this party will be our dinner plates, and of course the well-paid waitresses.

At this point in time, I'll admit that I'm struggling to find a suitable location in Perth to host our festivities. The proprietor of Coco's harshly refused my booking when I informed him that he probably won't have a business remaining after we've finished with it for the night. So I instead kindly offered to purchase his entire premises - and on a generous goodwill multiple too, but he declined. I then went in search of magnificent riverfront properties to hire for the week, but unfortunately the Shire of Peppermint Grove informed me of strict regulations regarding low-flying aircraft. I was planning a Red Cross-style novelty 'aid drop' for my party guests at 2am - an essential package of goodies, girls and gonorrhea. Oh well, rules are rules.

Dalkeith locals are also strongly opposed to my plans, and to be honest I don't blame them. The previous party I hosted in that suburb was broken up when the police arrived. Neighbours had called authorities after ear-piercing screams of several women were reportedly heard shortly after midnight. When the officers arrived to investigate the noise, I foolishly answered the door wearing only my freshly-stained Zegna dinner-jacket. Unfortunately the two constables only took one look at me, and refused to believe my improbable explanation as being out of lubricant combined with having a grossly over-sized middle limb.

So, I've now exhausted all local options for our celebrations. I'll open the thread to any other suggestions - perhaps somewhere overseas?