Once again, The Washington Post has published thewinning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supplyalternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (N.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weightyou have gained.
3. Abdicate (V.), to give up all hope of ever having aflat stomach.
4. Esplanade (V.), to attempt an explanation whiledrunk.
5. Willy-nilly (Adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (Adj.), describes a condition in whichyou absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (V.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (N.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (N.) emergency vehicle that picks you upafter you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (N.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (N.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (N.), the formal, dignified bearingadopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (N), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (N.), a person who sprinkles hisconversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (N.), (back by popular demand):The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuckthere.
16. Circumvent (N.), an opening in the front of boxershorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also askedreaders to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (N.): The substance surrounding stupidpeople that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (V): Any misrepresentation about yourselffor the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (N.): The act of buying a house, whichrenders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (N): Vandalism spray-painted very, veryhigh.
5. Sarchasm (N): The gulf between the author ofsarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (V): To take coffee intravenously whenyou are running late.
7. Hipatitis (N): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (N): A degenerate disease. (This onegot extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (N): It's like, when everybody issending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earthexplodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (N.): The gruelling event of gettingthrough the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (V): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (N): The tendency of stupid ideasto seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (N.): The frantic danceperformed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (N.): Satan in the form of a mosquitothat gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (N.): The colour you turn afterfinding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (N): A person who's both stupid and an asshole
