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27/07/06
17:12
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The Squirrel and the Grasshopper.
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the
cold.
THE END
THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks
he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come
winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be
warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are
cold and starving.
The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;
with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a
table laden with food.
The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in
a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so
while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council
of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The ABC,
interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking
news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".
Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel
has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and
increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retrospective
to the beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes are reassessed. He
is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders
for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for
contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be
socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the
more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and
utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked
a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin
with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of
Australians apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking
and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police
fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to
then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was
feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a
scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrels's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to
maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate
government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".
The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment
since arrival in Australia.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary
to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released
immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed
in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.
Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10,000,000 and state
the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for
enriching Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by
the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes
of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of
prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million dollars each because their rights were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in
Australia.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on
their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for
law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65
because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END
