In an unprecedented move, ASUCK's Head of Market Incompetence announced this evening that, from 1 October 2008, long-selling would be banned, to complement the previous ban on short-selling.
"This latest initiative is designed to ensure the integrity of the market," said Mr Sil E Sod, head of market oversight at ASUCK, "It will ensure that people who buy shares have no intention of selling them...ever. That way, people won't be affected by the terribly abusive practice of selling."
Most economists agree that, if it wasn't for the rule allowing share sales, people would only ever buy them.
"This would be a vast improvement over the present situation," said Mr Charles Ponzi, investment manager at Pyramid Securities, "The only people allowed in the markets should be those who want to buy things."
"These people who want to sell things...well, it's a bit embarrassing, really," he said, "If they'd just do that kind of thing in the privacy of their own homes, it wouldn't be so bad."
Mr Ponzi, who was recently nominated by his peers as being the least-likely-to-have-known-the-moral-of-the-story-as-a-child, was fully supportive of the regulator's move, "There's no real need for the general public to be exposed to distasteful and anti-social activities, like selling shares. I'm not at all surprised that the government has banned it."
Even before this latest initiative has settled, ASIC is already looking to the future.
"Our next move is to take early redundancies," said Mr Sod, "We've been informed by the Treasurer that, with the government providing a $4bn free kick to the banks, before too long we'd end up chasing the punters for their mortgage repayments."
Internal efficiency and competence studies had previously shown that, whilst staff were exceptionally good at coffee breaks and buck-passing, the productivity of a very large percentage would benefit from a requirement to actually do some work.
However, staff called an immediate wildcat strike, over being required to work for their money. Paper pushing will resume when management improves their offer, a spokespurple said.
