Obviously much of this is an insult directed at me and not based...

Obviously much of this is an insult directed at me and not based in reality, but your point on Magellan I do see as an intelligent and not often recognised point in favour of index funds

"For <10 bps with a product like the Vanguard US Total Market ETF, you're fully invested in the market, get a mix of value, growth, and defense as opposed to paying Hamish 1%+ fees with no refunds for underperformance."

This fact of an ETF as fully invested alone is what requires much higher levels of stock picking ability and market timing to maintain consistent outperformance as an active fund. Cash offers opportunity but it also requires an ability to time correctly when those opportunities are occurring and puts one at a disadvantage to an index fund, particularly after looking at fees on top of this and as you mentioned performance fees on outperformance but no refund on underperformance.