Blushing Lawyers

Originally posted by AuCu ↑

The legal profession, at times, can outdo themselves in trying to be clever. We cannot certify the authenticity of these quips, apparently from UK court proceedings, but it appears to be in line with the pompous attitude displayed by some members of the profession.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the crash?
A: Tracksuit bottoms and Reeboks.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said when he woke up?
A: He said: "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: Why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Did you blow your horn before the accident?
A: Sure, I played for ten years.

Q: Were your red and blue lights flashing when you stopped her?
A: Yes.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: What is your marital status?
A: Fair.

Q: Could you see him?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since childhood.

Q: You were shot in the fracas?
A: No. I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Q: Gary, all your responses must be oral. OK? What school do you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter in 1979?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: How many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me: "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down?
A: Yes.
Q: Did they go up as well?

Q: Where was your honeymoon?
A: Europe.
Q: And you took your wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started at 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Remington was dead?
A: No, he was sitting up wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, it is possible the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure?
A: Because his brain was in a jar on my desk.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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Oh mate, they were brilliant,

The last one was brilliant,