Bonkers we will get you rape your wife bash ya fat, page-19

Hamlet He was the dearest most precious dog, I did not in common with many others even regard him as a dog, he was very human and he was the following things to me---my best friend, my son (I was his father) my confidante, my social outlet through whom I met others, I was his protector and he was also mine, for seven years wherever I went he went, if I sat down he sat down, if I went to the door he followed me, when arriving home from work he was always there to greet me and when I was leaving he always wanted to go to work with me (I even took him in once to show him off) we went on thousands of walks together, thousands of adventures, I talked with him for the entire time, I used a certain type of language I even developed to relate to Hamlet and he knew all my moods off by heart, he knew every single thing about me and I knew everything about him. He was the biggest sook out, very friendly towards other people, also a childrens dog, he loved children and they were sometimes frightened of him for he was such a big dog, but all he did was show them great affection, he never once bit anyone, he was totally good natured, on a training level he did have seperation anxiety when I wasn't around, other than that he was fine.
We bought him as a twelve week old pup, a relative of my ex partner (lived in a defacto relationship for 8 years) had lost her dog and Anne (my ex) offered to go out and find another German Shepherd to replace the one she had lost. I was originally against the idea, for we were living in rented accomodation at the time and pets were not allowed and I had a feeling in the back of my head that we might fall head over heels with buying a dog for another and then keeping him overnight before taking him around to Duckies (nickname) (Anne's cousin) place. We answered an ad in the back of the paper, they weren't licensed breeders and I just think that they were in it simply for money and had no emotional or other thoughts, for when they brought out Hamlet, he was already 12 weeks old and they had not exercised him properly, so he had what appeared to be something wrong with his back legs, he couldn't quite walk properly instantly I felt all my compassion reach out, he was the most wonderful and joyous sight to behold to me, fell in love straight away.
The breeders increased the price from 150 dollars to 200 dollars-----I got out a wad of mere money and gave them what they wanted and I was handed the yet un-named Hamlet. I kissed him on the snooter straight away, Anne fell in love too and we hurried out to the car with him and drove home. Hamlet however was mean't for Ducky, but because Ducky was working all weekend (nurse) we had to hold him overnight.
I put him on a bed in front of the tv which at that time was showing Shakespeares Hamlet and he took a real interest in the film--so Anne said you like Shakespeare why don't you call him Hamlet, so we did on behalf of Ducky, the next morning when it was time to take him around to Duckies place I said to Anne we just have to keep him---I don't know what we are going to tell Ducky (for we had already told her we had obtained a dog for her)--to cut a long story short off we wnet again and from an entirely different place in Sydney bought another dog for Ducky without telling her (so as not to hurt her feelings) that the first dog we had was actually mean't for her---not the second dog (their dog who's name is Carwon is still very healthy and living at this minute--7 years later) after arriving back from her place I really revelled in getting to know Hamlet, played with him as you do with a pup (he was as stated quite a big pup being 12 weeks old) (a big woose) he was very frightened and unsure of his new surroundings as I feel in my mind that he is now since passing away. He got down off the bed and half ran (he had the problem with his back legs) outside the back door and underneath the car, so I had to crawl underneath the car in the end to get him out (poor little fella) over the weeks that followed I taught him how to walk (thats all it was I don't think the breeders had exercised him properly) for the first week or so he refused to walk--so I carried him in my arms---then I got a lead and just gently tugged on it as we walked down the footpath--till he eventually got the idea about what to do. From the above beginnings he reshaped Anne and I's life---we moved to other rented accomodation that did allow pets, then we realised with Hamlet being the inspiring factor we needed home ownership with a big backyard and plenty of nature, so it wasn't long thanks to Hamlet that we had saved a deposit and we shifted from there to a place just recently sold, it was located close to a national park and the beach south of Sydney and out the back had a council reserve and to the rear of that again a special dog exercising area (also for horses) he loved every year there, we had a weatherboard house on brick pylons elevated off the ground, he made his own special places there, any bones he had he buried under the house, he had the full run of the premises, when we slept at night we bought him a big cushioned mat and he slept at the foot of out bed, every morning he used to either try to wake me up or Anne up early---he'd nudge his nose on your cheek or place his head heavily on the side of the bed so you just couldn't fail to be woken---if he couldn't get me up, he would go around the other side of the bed to wake Anne up lol. Don't ask me why (for it is very involved an would take even a longer email than this one) for one reason or another (initally for the first few years we were very happy) Anne and myself developed some relationship problems and we ended up seperating, I continued on in the house for awhile with Hamlet after she left and he was during this time the "Rock of Gilbralta" for me, many lonely nights where he comforted me (the pain I felt then was very similar to the pain I'm feeling now) (he also helped me out when my mother died in 1998) as I'm learning quicktime now he shielded me from a lot of internal anxieties and fears, so in the grieving process that I'm experiencing now this is part of it. Unselfishly apart from that I just love him so much and miss him so much and think of him all the time, I can't go anywere even stay at home (I'm now at a new address) without getting constant reminders of his life, I can't pass a tree or a park where we have been walking since arriving here that we used to stop at, without crying, I can express grief pretty openly and weep in public, Ive gone into some parks this weekend and yelled his name out at the top of my voice HAMLET!!!! WHERE ARE YOU? I desperately want to find him, yet I know that he won't be there and then I walk back home in a total state of depression (aside from Hamlet Ive been diagnosed by my doctor with reactive depression for the last six months (breakup-with Anne --lost money on stockmarket, two factors not the only ones) he was in good health up untill recently I failed to notice any deterioration in his kidneys (Ive since found out that can often happen--for the kidneys can go alright to they are ready to collapse) over the last few weeks he had been drinking more water than usual and then had begun to go off his food--I was thinking it may be a change of address and that he would pick up (never assume, as I now know) anyway some nights he'd eat okay--then last week he wouldn't eat without me hand feeding him then only a little bit--so I took him to the vet (and he should have gone a lot sooner--and will feel guilty about this for the rest of my life) I didn't even know it was kidney's to the vet told me--and what I thought was a routine visit was not--the vet examined him--took a urine sample and said that he would die within one to two weeks-I broke down and cried I said I'll do anything to save him--as an effort to save his life he was put on dialysis and had anabolic steroid injection, even a Reikki massage person was working on him over three days----while that was happening I spent the nights wandering the streets crying praying to to God to save him, even went down to the vets place at 3am in the morning and stood outside and prayed to God to save him--the vet felt their was no hope I said I will try everything just try and save him---he said I will give him three days if he doesn't improve and the tests show him getting worse, I may operate and if I do so I want your understanding that I may have to put him down---I agreed--Friday morning came I went down (had been visiting twice per day before that) and he said no he was getting worse--I broke down again (Anne I notified the day before and she was at the vets office on Thursday and we got Hamlet out of the cage at the back and we were hugging and kissing him (both mum and dad) he looked fairly well groggy but was standing and we told him we loved him so much---I kept whispering in his ears and stroking his fur.) Anyway this was Friday and the vet said he would do some exploratory surgery in the afternoon---hugged and kissed Hamlet all over his body--went back home stayed about an hour went back again and said I'd like to take him for a walk--the vet said fine--so off we went down a sidestreet near the vet---(meanwhile over the three days I rang other people I knew and I have some net acquaintances too--they were all sending him positive messages----I was trying to heal him mentally.) when we got down the street a bit he was doing his normal thing snooping bushes--I yelled out Hamlet this is the whole wide world I love you so much I love you----I called him he came to me I knelt down--on one occasion our eye gaze held for a full 30 seconds as I talked with him--he sat beautifully on the footpath---he put his head on my shoulder and whimpered a bit (he knew) I stroked him and held him jsut told him over and over again how much dad loved him and mum did too--and that wherever he went we would always be there---I said Hamlet you and me forever---just I love you and love you over and over and over again--we got up he walked a little way in front of me---I called him back again with my arms wide open---I love you!!!!--he came back I hugged him again stroked him--really held him close---ssaid never mind my darling----I want you to fight this Hamlet dads orders----fight it--we then walked back to the vets office---I put him back in the cage awaiting the operation, hugged and kissed him again---I closed the door several tmes was about to go and each time opened it again to hug and kiss him some more--was then going to leave again-I ened up sitting cross legged on the floor in front of the cage and stroking his paws---then I sang him "Rock a bye baby" in a very soothing voice, he began to tire and he rested his head down, my last sight of him was just a very mournfull Hamlet with his eyes half closed---I walked out and kept turning as I did.
The vet performed the operation and at 4pm he rang me and said they were completely shot and he could not be saved--I begged the vet to do anything that he could--he said there was nothing he could do--I need your permission to put him down--I said yes.
I then put the phone down and just cried and cried and cried, I am not much better now---just as upset two days later, decided to have him cremated and I'm keeping the ashes---Ive rung various people and all have offered condolences and various ways to cope with Hams death---none of it really works---he was too special I'm afraid--loved him too much--and now he has gone--we had a whole futiure mapped out---him and dad against the world and now he is not part of that---I feel his spirit and talk to him still---his spirit sits behind me I definitely sense it and Ive said to him that he is welcome with me--and just like I said before we are together eternally and where he goes I go--and not to be frightened and he can stay with me and scoot in and out to heaven whatever he want to do---I tell his spirit I love you Hamlet.
The above is seven years compressed Wallace I don't know if you can give me your thoughts and offer me any grief counselling, it would be much appreciated.---Steve.