Blackadder and Lord Percy are in the reception room with Jack their bean counter.
Jack: M’Lord it does not look good. Unless something can be done before the end of August I am afraid that the numbers in your treasury will not be sufficient to pay the bills for the kingdom and therefore enable growth. More importantly, when the figures get out (leaked) to the peasants and the barbarians there will be hell to pay.
Blackadder: That bad is it?
Jack: Yes M’Lord
Blackadder to Lord Percy: Just as well that we have a cunning plan.
Lord Percy: Yes M’Lord but a lot depends on Baldrick finding some attractive damsels that we, I mean you can bargain with.
Blackadder: Yes, but fat chance of finding sufficient attractive damsels.
Just then there is a knock on the door.
Blackadder: Enter
Baldrick enters the room
Baldrick: M’Lord as you ordered I have scoured the castle and local village and have found a few damsels. I must confess that they are not a great lot of beauties.
Blackadder: I am surprised that you found any let alone a few. Dressing them in the queen’s finery and showing them in the dark will go along way to enhance their value. Very well, as our economic survival and maybe our personal survival depends on them, show them in.
Baldrick: In you come ladies.
The damsels enter the room
Blackadder: Good heavens are they the best you could do Baldrick?
Baldrick: Yes M’Lord, there were few to choose among and these are the best of the lot.
Blackadder: The best, one wonders what the others are like. Oh well, Baldrick introduce them and when doing so tell me what they do.
Baldrick: Very well M’Lord. May I introduce
Doris Nutall- Regent – baker of bread shaped like Wagon wheels with a hole in the middle;
Pia Zapotchny – baker of flat bread on which meat and cheese is put;
Michele Pattison-Erasmus – baker of fine, or allegedly so, bread rolls;
Gloria Panterson-Smythe – owner of a tea house – selling teas from the orient and coffee from South America;
Hudense Pachefsky – a purveyor of teas from the orient and coffee from South America, a sort of middle-man as her wares are sold wholesale to local establishments;
Bridget Bardot- a coffee coloured girl who also sells coffee, interesting her brother is called the coffee guy – no idea why;
Ita Stephenson – Asquith – owner of a house of ill repute aptly called the Grind;
Dianne Belcher-Lowanstein – a purveyor of tea and coffee; and
A coloured girl that has an unpronounceable name that states that she is a chicken farmer.
Blackadder: That is it, the whole lot
Baldrick: Yes M’Lord the other damsels were not even remotely attractive enough to fulfil the order you gave me.
Blackadder: Baldrick, what is with the double-barrelled names of almost all of the damsels? Their mothers not sure of the fathers.
Baldrick: Well M’Lord you will recall how confusing Fathers’ Day is around here.
Blackadder: Hmmm, you are right, last year’s celebration was an absolute nightmare. Right, as I can not remember their names and the buyers, I mean deal makers will not, I am going to shorten them and so all can understand.
Henceforth:
Doris Nutall-Regent will be known as Donut Prince (cannot have another King);
Pia Zapotchny will be known as Piaza;
Michele Pattison-Erasmus will be known as Michele Pattisery;
Gloria Panterson-Smythe will be known as Gloria Pants;
Hudense Pachefsky will be known as Hudpac;
Bridget Bardot will be known as BB (what else!);
Ita Stephenson-Asquith will be known as It’s a Grind (cool as it also refers to her establishment);
Dianne Belcher-Lowanstein will be known as DiBellow;
The coloured girl will be known as roaster (typos are accepted here).
Lord Percy: Well done M’Lord this makes it easier for all to remember who they are.
Blackadder: Now we strike.
Jack: M’Lord there is a little problem that needs to be addressed.
Blackadder: Get on with it Jack.
Jack: Well M’Lord each of the damsels provides the treasury with funds from their activities. Additionally, you as the King sell them all of their raw materials with which they make their wares. Therefore, if you trade them for other things or sell them you will lose income on two fronts: the sale of the raw materials (upon which you make substantial profits); and the taxes you impose on their commercial activities.
Blackadder: So it is, but I must consider the loss in income versus the loss of the Kingdom and perhaps my head.
Lord Percy: A tough choice indeed.
Blackadder: We need more information on the barbarians. If only …
Lord Percy: We do have some information on the barbarians for I sent a spy into their camp to get information.
Blackadder: A spy you say how cunning!
Lord Percy: Yes, and he has returned safely and is outside.
Blackadder: Bring him in.
The spy enters.
Blackadder: So you are the spy. What name do you do by?
Spy: Bond, James Bond.
To be continued.
RFG Price at posting:
41.5¢ Sentiment: None Disclosure: Not Held
