Blackadder: Well Mr Bond how did you infiltrate the barbarians and what did you find out?
Bond: There are two main camps of the barbarians and smaller rag tag groups not associated with the two main groups. I entered the camps as a travelling balladeer under the name of Robert Zimmerman in one of the large groups and Reginald Dwight in the other and for the rag tag groups David Robert Jones.
Blackadder: Zimmerman, Dwight and Jones! Hardly the name of a balladeer.
Bond: Yes, M’Lord I know. So as to further enhance my covert activities and ensure that I could not be traced back to my job at hand I performed under the names of Bob, Elton and David B.
Blackadder: What did you learn?
Bond: Well, firstly the two large groups are serious in their position to get their money back and are confident of their success. Each group is supported by their own Iron Bank.
Blackadder: Two Iron Banks! The Lannisters had trouble with one.
Bond: The large groups are led by:
Sir Westerous of the tank river;
Sir Nabally Lofthouse by the Yarra.
Blackadder: Enough of the complex names lets just call them Wetpatch and Nabalot.
Bond: Very well M’Lord. The rag tag groups were really weak and hoping for a satisfactory outcome from Wetpatch and Nabalot. Without their success the rag tags would not get any return on their funds provided.
Lord Percy: M’Lord you can identify the two large groups by their banners. Wetpatch has a banner that looks like 3 rampant saveloys, and Nabalot by a red star and NAB on a black background – kind of looks like trying to get blood out of a stone.
Blackadder: Get on with it. Are we able to do a deal with the damsels with Wetpatch and Nabalot.
Bond: They are disinclined to acquire the damsels.
Blackadder: Oh, a bit that way are they?
Jack: No, M’Lord both Wetpatch and Nabalot have provided funds to the damsels from which they expect to be repaid. If they were to acquire the damsels they would in effect be acquiring the business’ that provide them with interest and other repayments.
That is, they would be a position of a conflict of interest.
Blackadder: Since when has a conflict of interest been of concern for Wetpatch and Nabalot? Those in the guilds responsible for the retirement wellbeing of their members see no conflicts and take money out all over the place for the guild’s well being and to the obvious detriment of the members.
Jack: It may well be M’Lord but the Iron Banks have been under increasing pressure to avoid or stop such events. If they do not they are likely to lose their ‘social licence’ and their heads as well.
Bond: M’Lord, both Wetpatch and Nabalot appear able (if not too happy) to wait for signs that you have improved the situation and may, at some future date, be able to repay the funds that are due.
The rag tag groups have but no choice to go along with what Wetpatch and Nabalot do.
That said, both Wetpatch and Nabalot are becoming anxious and if an improvement is not forthcoming in the near future may take actions and break the siege.
Lord Percy: If they break the siege then it is the end for us.
Blackadder: Thank you Lord Percy for stating the obvious. This is why we have the cunning plan.
Jack: But M’Lord if Wetpatch and Nabalot are not interested in the damsels we are surely doomed.
Blackadder: This is where the cunning comes into the cunning plan. We will spread far and wide rumours that we have damsels that are, shall we say available.
Lord Percy: Bravo, we can spread the rumour by the information highway.
Blackadder: The information highway. What pray tell is that!
Lord Percy: I have learned from the monks that a country in the east spent large sums and time to develop a highway across their country so that information could be more easily and quickly be distributed over vast distances. Further to that, they had along the highway strands of silk to that those using the highway would not get lost on their journey and quickly get to their destination. The development of the highway took many years and cost the government a significant part of their treasury.
Blackadder: Let me guess the results. The treasury was almost bankrupted, they did not have enough silk and less than perfect substitutes were used, the project went way over cost and time and those responsible for the debacle were deposed (and lucky to survive if they did) and the silk road/information highway did not do what was expected.
Lord Percy: Why yes M’Lord how did you know?
Blackadder: Lord Percy, you will remember the schemes that were thought were good for the serfs: keeping the huts warm in winter – a good idea but the huts have no ceilings so how would extra thatching help? It went on the existing thatching and a number of roofs collapsed, not to mention the bright idea of putting thatching on the blacksmiths shops – the resulting fires almost destroyed whole neighbourhoods. Oh, and how about the cash for conkers scheme (so that the chestnuts could be saved and replanted for forest growth). The scribes spelt it clunkers instead and the treasury was beset by the serfs wanting funds for their unwanted children, wives, partners, inlaws and so on. There was hell to pay. Any government intervention, no matter how well meaning that proposes (mostly hairbrained) ideas and programs are doomed to failure and with unintended consequences.
Speaking of which, what idiot thought that an ‘information highway’ would not be superseded. Clear as day that a pigeon or other bird can travel (with information) faster to far away places than a road where people or horses can travel.
Baldrick: M’Lord I also learned something from the monks. That the orientals had a vast navy and the period 1405 until 1433 under the imperial eunuch Zheng had seven ocean expeditions that discovered vast parts of the world. Indeed, on one of their voyages they went south and discovered a vast land that was vacant. The monks told me that the Latin name for this land is terra nullius or nobody’s land. There was literally, as they asserted, nothing there. And further, during that expedition the ships went east from terra nullius and found two large islands. According to the monks, the ships landed in an harbour and found a fortress in which looked like an Eden park like setting. No sooner had they landed than they saw the natives playing a game with what looked like an inflated pig’s stomach. Apparently, the game was such that it required great skill, stamina, strength and strategy. The orientals were invited to watch and then play a game with the natives. Needless to say they were defeated and in Zheng’s journal it was recorded that they “played against a team of all blacks in an Eden park like setting which was like a citadel and were summarily thrashed”.
Blackadder: And just what does that little story have to do to help our plan.
Baldrick: I suppose that it means that we have to know the rules and have experienced and skilled people at all levels before we enter any field of endeavour.
Blackadder: Great so now we have a corporate philosopher or better still a ‘governance person’ amongst our gathering.
Lord Percy: Perhaps Baldrick is right. We have here among our mist a respected writer of pamphlets. Perhaps we can talk to them and provide some information on the damsels and a limited part of our plan.
Blackadder: And how would this help us?
Lord Percy: Well, they could write a pamphlet that indicates that we might be able to do the damsel thing and if this were successful all of our problems would be solved. The pamphlet would be distributed among their readers and surely this will attract some interest for our damsels. In addition, the barbarians, particularly Wetpatch and Nabalot would be more likely to wait until the results were in.
Blackadder: Very good Lord Percy. Now who do we get to write the pamphlet?
Lord Percy: There is a writer named Auston Ralph-Lianders who has a good reputation. That is if a writer of such can have a good reputation.
Blackadder: Good Lord Percy, get this Auston Ralph-Lianders here today and brief him immediately. Make sure to accent the beauty and commercial attractiveness of the damsels. Oh, and what kind of name is that? Are all the people around here of dubious parentage? We will just refer to him under the nom de plume of Australia.
Baldrick: M’Lord if the work of Auston Ralph-Lianders does not work then we may very well have to use the oriental’s maps and travel to the end of the world and settle in terra nullius.
Blackadder: And name that land after him and his failure so as to have a constant reminder that we will be on the run from the law and settled in the new land called Australia. Perish the thought.
Lord Percy: Did you feel that? There was a cold wind that just went through the room.
Blackadder: Yes, winter is coming.
To be continued.
RFG Price at posting:
41.5¢ Sentiment: None Disclosure: Not Held
