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THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER

San Bernardino killer’s iTunes collection ‘total crap’

says FBI

After months of legal wrangling, the case of the San Bernardino killer’s iPhone has ended in disappointment after it was revealed that his iTunes collection is of very poor quality.
The FBI finally broke into the phone after trying the killer’s birthday as the passcode, but with little to show for it.
“Crap, just total crap,” said Agent Simon Williams.
“Celine Dion, Take That, a shocking amount of Kiss – how can someone like ‘Crazy, crazy nights’ enough to have nine different versions of it.”
The FBI had been pressing Apple to unlock the killer’s iPhone to see if he had anything good in his music collection.
“Loads of German marching band music, how can anyone listen to that shite? I guess they started two world wars just to drown out that shitty-ass tuba disaster.”
The iTunes statistics revealed that the killer’s most listened to song was ‘Sexy and I know it,’ by LMFAO.
Although an iTunes leak several years ago revealed this to be Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad’s most played song, there is thought to be no connection between the two.
His film collection is understood to be equally poor.
“Paul Blart Mall Cop, 1 and 2,” continued Agent Williams, shaking his head in disbelief.
“Swept Away, Octopussy, the Star Wars prequels! Really, the Star Wars prequels? And this guy was allowed access to a gun?”
Although the iTunes contents will play no further part in the investigation, the FBI are now confident of hacking into the killer’s Hotmail after someone suggested typing in his birthday in reverse.

Obama Demands Trump Release Certificate Proving He Was Born With A Frontal Lobe

By The Shovel on April 1, 2016

Saying the American people deserved to know the truth, US President Barack Obama made calls today for Republican frontrunner Donald Trump to release proof that he was born with the front part of his brain.
“It’s really quite simple,” Obama said at the White House today. “If you have a frontal lobe, just release the documentation to prove it”.
The frontal lobe is the part of the brain that gives humans the ability to project the consequences of actions, determine between good and bad, and to suppress socially offensive behaviour.
Obama said the whole matter could be put to rest in a matter of minutes. “Let’s just get this out in the open and move on. I produced the certificate showing I was born in America. Mr Trump should release the certificate that shows he was born with a conscience”.
Mr Trump responded to the claims by saying, “Well I think what’s important here is that if you go to Qatar you see airports the likes of which you have never seen before. Dubai, different places in China. You see infrastructure, you see airports, other things, the likes of which you have never seen here”.

Turnbull Already Looking Ahead To Next Week’s Tax Policy

By The Shovel on March 31, 2016

Cabinet will meet tomorrow morning to start formulating ideas for the coming week’s taxation policy – a full three days before the new week actually starts, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull confirmed today.
Mr Turnbull said the next tax policy needed careful planning so that it would stand the test of time. “This needs to serve Australians until at least the end of next week, possibly into the following week. That’s why we’ve put aside an entire morning to discuss options. We’ll probably give it some thought over the weekend as well”.
Although there was speculation in the media about what the next policy might be, the PM would not be drawn into the debate.
“What’s important is that we don’t get ahead of ourselves here – this is the nation’s taxation policy we’re talking about here. We need to be patient; we need to be methodical. We will deliver a policy that’s right for next week, and we’ll announce that in due course,” he said.