Day Trading 10 Mar Pre Market, page-2

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER™


Couple admit to achieving major life milestone without feeling the need to broadcast it online



A North London couple were coming under fire last night after friends learned that they had achieved several major life goals without going on and on about it on social media.
John and Nicola Barnsley, of Hampstead, were recently spotted coming out of their local hospital’s maternity unit recently by friend and known gossip, Lucy Plum.
Upon seeing the couple emerging with a small bundle of joy, Lucy told us how she immediately checked her phone to see if the Barnsleys had posted any updates regarding the new arrival.
“I was really surprised as they hadn’t posted a series of cloying messages about how brilliantly efficient their biological functions have worked. Not even a single sonogram of the bump.
“It was like they thought they could do something in their lives and not feel a compunction to let everyone know what, where and why.”
Mr and Mrs Barnsley were unrepentant regarding their reticence when pushed for comment by reporters.
“It’s nice that people are interested, but really, there are millions of things going on all the time that are much more interesting to look at than another pink, crying, shitting machine.”
The couple then confessed that they have already had three other children, cruised around the world and started their own ‘mainly dairy’ farm in their back garden in recent years, but ‘couldn’t be arsed’ to share their experiences online.
“But don’t tell Lucy, for God’s sake.
“She already lives vicariously through her friend’s milestones as it is.”


Creepy old guy with crazy hair ruins children’s White House tour



Children on a tour of the White House were left traumatised after a creepy old man with bizarre hair appeared seemingly from nowhere to harass them.
The children were all gazing wistfully at a painting of Hillary Clinton when the incident occurred.
“It was really scary,” said 10-year-old Jessie Williams Jnr from Birmingham, Alabama.
“We were all looking at the picture of Hillary Clinton and trying to understand what could possess the grownups not to have voted for her when this weird guy just started shouting at us.
“We all screamed. It was really scary. He just looked crazy. His clothes didn’t fit properly, and there was something wrong with his hair, and he was this really weird colour.”
The strange old man appears to have tried to pull one of the children away from the group.
“Yeah, he just grabbed Jed and tried to pull him away. Jed was freaked, but he managed to get away when the old man got distracted staring at, you know, at our teacher’s, you know, her private area.”
It is understood that the young boy was not physically harmed but is severely traumatised.
No one is really sure how the crazy old man got into the White House, and there appears to be confusion surrounding how to remove him.
But it seems clear that he has no business being there, and unless he is removed, many other children and adults could be left traumatised by his bizarre behaviour.


Bros scrap majority of tour dates after learning they’re not famous yet



Bros have had to cancel reunion gigs in Newcastle, Glasgow, Nottingham and Birmingham after the venues informed them they weren’t famous.
Lead brother, Matt Goss, attempted to rebook the arenas at a time in the future but asked the venues for advice regarding when exactly they would be famous.
The venue said, “We can’t answer.”
Inferior brother, Luke, kept asking the question he wasn’t supposed to mention, but the venue reiterated that they couldn’t answer that.
Matt then demanded to see his picture in the papers. At which point, the venue hung up.
Band mate not joining them for the supposed ‘reunion’, Craig Logan, said, “This will really set the cat among the pigeons.
“I’m not rejoining them. I owe them nothing.
“Nothing at ooooo-wo-woo-waaaaaaaaallll.”
Winner of a TV contest in the 80s where she fainted live on Saturday Superstore, having beaten all others to title of Bros Uberfan, Simone Williams, said “Who?”
After reminding her of the 80s supergroup, she repeated, “Who?”
After a further two hours of tiresome descriptions by our reporters, she said she vaguely recalled something, but it transpired she was thinking of Brother Beyond.