Day Trading 11 Dec Pre Market, page-2

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER



Al-Qaeda Member Wistfully Recalls Time When Radicalization Done Face-To-Face Rather Than Online


BARAMCHA, AFGHANISTAN—Shaking his head at all the new recruitment and indoctrination methods used by his younger counterparts nowadays, al-Qaeda member Khalid Al-Muthanna, 42, wistfully recalled to reporters Monday a time when radicalization was performed face-to-face rather than over the internet. “Back when I first got into jihad, we used to take the time to bring recruits to a real training camp and work with them one-on-one to instill a virulent fanaticism and bloodlust toward the West—now, it’s all done on message boards and chat rooms. Where’s the satisfaction in that?” said Al-Muthanna, sighing as he explained that he used to pride himself on spending weeks living in a community before carefully hand-selecting the most psychologically and financially troubled members to radicalize, rather than posting a blanket recruitment message on social media to just anyone. “It’s so rewarding to preach a hateful ideology directly to them and actually see the murderous rage grow in their eyes day by day. But with all these young extremists, it’s just Facebook this and Twitter that—everyone is glued to their computers. Nowadays, you don’t develop any real connection with your recruits before they go and blow themselves up. There’s just no human touch.” Al-Muthanna conceded that, despite all the drawbacks, he was glad that modern technology was allowing him and others to connect with so many people from all over the world.

Hockey To Balance Dual Tasks Of US Ambassadorship And Finalising 2014 Budget

By The Shovel on December 9, 2015

Former Treasurer Joe Hockey says he is confident he can manage the day-to-day tasks of his new US ambassador role with the rigorous demands of passing the 2014 Federal budget.
Mr Hockey said there was still a lot of work that needed to be done to last year’s budget to get it to some sort of professional standard, but believed he’d be able to find time at nights and weekends to work on it. “It’s a three-year ambassadorial term remember, so expect to see the 2014 budget in shape to pass through Parliament by late 2018, early 2019”.
Mr Hockey will leave with his wife for Washington next week to search for an appropriate investment apartment to claim on expenses.

Husband Agrees To Halve Emissions By 2020

By The Shovel on December 3, 2015

Local man Callum Matherson has signed up to an ambitious emissions reduction target of 50% by 2020, following the bi-annual Matherson family conference this week.
In a statement to media, Mrs Matherson said the current levels were unsustainable. “I said going into the conference that we needed to act now, and that’s what we’ve done. What this agreement does is provide a clear, achievable rate of reduction over the next four years – and an improved climate in our household”.
Mrs Matherson had originally tabled a more stringent target of 80% by 2018, arguing that her husband accounted for the bulk of emissions in the house. But the 50% target was agreed after protracted negotiations.
Mr Matherson said he would now look to alternative forms of food and table humour in an attempt to lower emissions.