day trading 12/05 pre market

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER™

New FBI Chief Named

By The Shovel on May 11, 2017

Barron Trump has been named the new head of the FBI, following an extensive search that spanned the entire Trump family.

President Donald Trump said Barron was uniquely qualified to take on the top law enforcement role, having been witness to dodgy dealings and fraudulent activity for the last 11 years.
“I know this guy well. We’ve met. He’s a good guy,” Mr Trump said.
The President rejected claims there was a conflict of interest. “Wrong. I’ve made it very clear to Barron that he has total independence in this role and that I’ll buy him a helicopter if he does a good job,” he said.
The appointment is now waiting final approval from Vladimir Putin.

Family of Richard Nixon relieved new guy is well on way to becoming poster boy for White House corruption

The family of late President Richard Nixon are said to be relieved that someone is finally taking over the mantle as the go-to reference for political corruption.
With rumours of foreign influence, collusion with foreign states and simply having the presidency handed to him by the Russians, President Trump has sought to make all of that go away by firing the person leading the investigation into him.
Richard Nixon’s grandson, Chuck Nixon, told us, “Our family has dealt with this for many, many years – people talk about political corruption, and they talk about my grandad.
“I know Trump is a bit of a crook – you only have to look at some of his business dealings to see that – but never in my wildest dreams did I think he’d be taking over the poster boy for White House corruption so soon.
“Nixonian behaviour will soon be called Trumpian behaviour, and for that alone, he will forever have my thanks.
“Of course, his kids and grandkids will have to live with the stigma, but thankfully it seems none of them is even remotely affected by emotions such as shame or embarrassment.”
A GOP source commented that firing the people investigating you is a perfectly sensible political tactic, and that Trump should be congratulated for doing it in the open, instead of trying to hide it like someone really corrupt else would.
Our source concluded, “You have to remember, when he said he was going to drain the swamp, he meant of anyone carrying a badge who was looking at him funny.”

Russia Today to launch White House reality TV show

The Russian state broadcaster is to use its ‘unrestricted access’ to the White House to launch a reality show detailing the day-to-day life of the Trump administration.
The show, to be called “At Home with the President”, will use fly-on-the-wall cameras and microphones in every room to record the intimate details of life with the First Family, their staff, and National Security briefings.
The show was negotiated with White House insiders General Mike Flynn and Steve Bannon, who will later deny telling the President anything at all about it.
Producers promise a wild ride with all kinds of twists, as housemates are set tasks such as purging mobile phone handsets or destroying them with hammers in order to stay in the house as long as possible.
“Russia Today has the sort of ‘all areas’ access other broadcasters and branches of the American government can only dream of,” said senior producer Simonov Williamsovitch.
“We’ll catch those private moments which really help you see the real President, such as when he’s talking to his children, his pets or a section chief of the CIA.
“We really expect this to be the very definition of ‘Must see TV’, especially in the basement of that anonymous line of offices on Savushkina Street in St Petersburg.
“We’ll say it’s possible for viewers to vote the housemates out, but in reality, we’ll rig the vote so the people we want in the house stay for as long as we like,” he added.