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THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER

Australia’s Population Now 48, ABS Confirms

By The Shovel on August 10, 2016

Australia has a population of just under 50 people, according to last night’s census figures. It represents a fall from the 22 million measured in the 2011 census.
The snapshot of the nation showed that almost one in five of all Australians now lives in a share-house in Coppin Street, in the Melbourne suburb of Richmond. The flatmates, who moved into the property last week, are still waiting for their internet to get connected.
The booming area is set to see further population growth in the future, with Thommo’s girlfriend expected to move in next week.
The ABS says the census is vital for future planning, and will allow the Government to build new schools, hospitals and other health facilities in that part of Coppin Street.
Other figures showed:
61% of Australians now work for the ABS
7% of Australians have the surname Turnbull
12% of Australians are current or former Australian Prime Ministers
0% of Australians have an internet connection


Report Ranking Internet Speeds By Country Almost Downloaded, Turnbull Says

By The Shovel on August 6, 2015

A report that ranks countries according to their broadband speed is 57% downloaded, Malcolm Turnbull confirmed today.
Mr Turnbull said he would share the results with the rest of the nation as soon as the report had downloaded. “I’m really looking forward to seeing where Australia is on the list. I’ll just pop the kettle on and then we’ll have a look,” he said.
He then suggested it might be easier to just send it on later once it’s ready. “It’s still not quite there. How about I email it around to everyone tonight, then you can start downloading it and have it ready for tomorrow morning,” he said.
The full list of countries, ranked by internet speed, is available here.


Stunning! Opening Ceremony Ends With Spectacular Outbreak Of Zika Virus

By The Shovel on August 6, 2016

Spectators called it ‘awe-inspiring’, athletes described it as ‘infectious’. The thirty-first Olympic Games opening ceremony ended in spectacular fashion with a dazzling outbreak of the Zika virus.
With a mix of speed and agility, the virus erupted throughout the stadium. “It sent shivers down my spine. And a rash all over my body,” one journalist said. “It was simply explosive”.
Millions of mosquitos combined in a beautifully choreographed demonstration, that many described as ‘irresistible’.
The spectacle quickly went viral.


Crocodiles and lily pads spotted in Olympic diving pool



Brazilian authorities have confirmed that three crocodiles and hundreds of lily pads appeared overnight in the Olympic diving pool.
The latest development follows Tuesday’s mysterious, but strangely underplayed, incident during which the water at the same venue turned a spooky deep green colour in the space of half an hour.
Biodiversity experts have set up a hide at the edge of the water, in the hope of making further unexpected sightings, with a school of piranhas at the top of their wish list.
A spokesman for the swimming venue said, “We basically don’t know what the f* is going on, short of mother nature appears to be taking over.
“I was half expecting to find the stadium covered in jungle vines this morning.
“But whatever happens, those crocodiles are going to make excellent viewing when the 3-metre springboard diving gets underway tomorrow.
“I’d record the highlights package if I were you.”


Amazing! Olympian Competes Without A Backstory

By The Shovel on August 7, 2016

In an stunning example of overcoming adversity, Australian swimmer Marty Campbell has contested a 100m Olympic freestyle heat without a single inspirational story about the obstacles he had to overcome to realise his dream of competing in Rio.
The only competitor to enter the pool without a backstory, Campbell didn’t let the setback deter him, finishing fourth in what will surely be remembered as one of stories of the Games.
Campbell said it was always his dream to compete in the Olympics and that he wasn’t going to let the lack of a backstory stop him. “It’s been an amazing journey. To get here, against all odds. It’s an amazing feeling.
“You see all the other swimmers out there with moving backstories, about overcoming adversity, and you wonder how you can compete. It can be a bit intimidating; there were moments when I thought I didn’t deserve to be swimming at this level. So it’s a special feeling. It just proves that even people without a backstory can overcome hurdles and make it at the highest level,” he said.