Nation’s Dogs Frantically Rush To Get Papers In Order After Barnaby Joyce Announced Deputy Prime Minister
By The Shovel on February 12, 2016
Dogs around the country have checked and re-checked their registration and vaccination details after notorious dog-hater Barnaby Joyce was announced as the second most powerful person in the country.
Some dogs are said to have gone into hiding to avoid the fate of Pistol and Boo Depp who were deported last year at Joyce’s orders.
In an otherwise mundane media conference to announce his selection as Nationals Leader, Mr Joyce said, “We will decide which dogs stay in this country, and the circumstances in which they stay”.
He said setting up offshore processing for unregistered dogs would be his ‘top priority’ as Deputy PM.
Local dog Buster said it was a dark day for the nation’s canines. “There’s a lot of anxiety in the community for sure. One dog I know – who’s usually pretty relaxed – was pacing up and down his backyard this morning chanting ‘I’m registered and I belong here, I’m registered and I belong here’ So, yeah, it’s taking its toll.
“It’s probably ok if you’re a Blue Heeler or a Kelpie. But for us Chinese Shar Pei’s – different story”.
Forthcoming Recession To Provide Welcome Respite From Labor’s Economic Emergency
By The Shovel on February 1, 2016
The recession that many believe will hit Australia within the next few years is a sign the economy is slowly coming out of the Emergency Disaster of the previous Government.
“Finally we can start to put those years of hardship behind us as we move towards a period of sustained negative growth,” a Government spokesperson said today.
“That time was, as we all know, a period of Debt, of Disaster, of Emergency. So this new recession phase will be a nice change of pace”.
Typing Error: Greg Hunt Actually Won Best Milliner In The World Award (Not Minister As Initially Reported)
By The Shovel on February 10, 2016
Australian Environment Minister Greg Hunt has not, in fact, won the award for Best Minister In The World, but rather a prize for hat making. Initial reports this morning suggested Mr Hunt had won the inaugural ‘Best Minister In The World’ award at the World Government Summit in Dubai, leading to widespread bewilderment in Australia.
But a spokesperson from the Summit this afternoon said that it was nothing more than a typing error on the certificate, and that the award was actually for Mr Hunt’s millinery achievements.
While Mr Hunt is not well known for his hat-making prowess, the award was seen as more credible amongst analysts. “It did seem very far-fetched when the initial report came out. Whereas the hat-making thing – while a little strange – is at least plausible,” Political observer Ben McDaniel said.
A Liberal Party insider said the new award made more sense. “I’m not sure exactly what Greg Hunt has done for the millinery industry. But I’m confident it’s more than what he’s done for the environment”.
