THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER
Facebook now entirely populated by the galactically smug
At 8.36 last night, modest man Jeremy Lumps deleted his Facebook account and in doing so he left Facebook now exclusively populated by the most self-satisfied people on the planet.
“God, I love my life so much,” wrote preternaturally smug Mum of two Eleanor Gay for no clear reason.
“Beautiful times, beautiful family, beautiful, beautiful me. Bliss.”
Experts are warning that Facebook is likely to be unbearable within a day or so.
“It is likely that Facebook will simply be made up of variations of Ms Gay’s status posted by the sort of people who, if there were any justice in the world, would wake up every morning to a slap round the face with a carp,” said Professor of Awfulness, Simon Williams.
In the past four years, Facebook has become a grotesque parade of middle-aged people with monumental hair posting increasingly vapid and vague statements about how much they love themselves.
“Awesome times with awesome buds. Stay true. You’re all my brothers,” wrote one man, seemingly after having a pint with some friends.
“Life is sooooo good. Magical experiences with daughter make life so, so special,” wrote a woman who’d just been to the shops.
Professor Williams warned normal people to steer clear.
“I would advise all right-thinking people to stay away from Facebook; we’re not sure if this much self-satisfaction is safe and the whole thing good explode in a foul torrent of smugness.”
“And you wouldn’t want to be anywhere near something like that.”
Wednesday 15 June 2016
‘Experts don’t know everything’ explains Farage after taking up smoking again
Nigel Farage has started smoking cigarettes again after insisting that “doctors have got it wrong on smoking.”
The UKIP leader and Leave campaigner explained that “so-called experts don’t know everything” and that we would all be better off outside the “anti-smoking lobby”.
He told reporters, “As a British patriot I think I’m better off smoking, and that should be my choice despite what so-called experts tell you.”
“For years now, we’ve been told what our lungs can, or cannot, handle by these medical shills who are clearly in the pockets of big-pharma.
“All they talk about is ‘cancer this’, and ’emphysema that’ – it’s project fear at its very worst.
“Why are we so afraid to go it alone and let our lungs make up their own minds? Are they suddenly going to lose access to the air they breathe if we start smoking again? Of course not.
“I’ve found some people on the Internet who say my lungs might even grow in size once I start smoking again. Sure, the medical experts claim that won’t happen, but what do they know, really.
“If I listened to experts I’d never do half the things I enjoy doing, like drinking, smoking, and berating immigrants for all the world’s problems – which is why we’re all better off outside the influence of experts.
“I would tell all hard-working British voters, don’t listen to the experts, listen to your lungs, and if they tell you they can handle it then go right ahead and fill them up with cigarette smoke as often as you like.
“Oh, and vote Leave.”
Taylor Swift already trying to think of a rhyme for ‘Hiddleston’
Pop singer Taylor Swift is already trying to think of rhymes for ‘Hiddleston’ in preparation for the song she’ll write about their messy breakup.
Insiders from the singer’s entourage report that a notebook with phrases like ‘Diddlescum’, ‘Fiddles ’til I’m numb’ and ‘Widdles-cum’ has appeared by her bed since she was spotted cuddling the Avengers star earlier in the week.
‘Widdles-cum’ is understood to have repeatedly been crossed out very heavily.
Producers at Swift’s recording label are understood to fear a repeat of what they call ‘the Gyllenhall incident’, where she went into a six-month creative decline before finally accepting defeat and rhyming ‘Jake’ with ‘fake’.
“We thought she’d learned her lesson after dating Taylor Lautner as nothing rhymes with that except ‘court’n her’,” music industry spokesman Simon Will.i.ams told us.
“After that, Calvin Harris was a sensible choice.
“Just rhyme Harris/ caress/ embarrass and you’ve got two number 1 singles and a world tour. Easy.”
Swift’s management are understood to be trying to set her up on a date with actor Taylor Kitsch, because loads of words rhyme with that.
Cover art for forthcoming albums titled ‘Bitch’, ‘Snitch’ and ‘Twitch’ has already been commissioned.
