Day Trading 19 Aug Pre Market, page-2

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER


I make the best decisions, claims man appointing third campaign team in two months



Donald Trump insists his decision-making ability is ‘terrific, absolutely terrific’ despite having to appoint his third campaign team in a matter of weeks.
Pollster Kellyanne Conway becomes campaign manager and Stephen Bannon of Breitbart News the CEO, replacing the people Trump appointed to replace the first lot a couple of weeks ago.
Trump told supporters, “When it comes to big decisions, Donald Trump is the one you want making them, absolutely.
“Because if I get a big decision wrong, I can always take it in a different direction a couple of weeks later – that’s just how the world works, folks.
“Don’t let the media elite tell you that decisions have consequences; they don’t! That’s just the establishment pulling the wool over your eyes.
“Look at me, I’ve changed my mind three times on the single biggest decision available to me right now, and I’m doing terrific, just terrific.
“Honestly, folks, making your mind up, then taking action, before changing your mind and taking a different action, before changing your mind yet again and taking a third course of action is the mark of a great president who’ll do terrific things, just terrific.”
Voters have given a mixed reaction to Trump appointing yet another campaign team.
Kyle Matthews told us, “I wouldn’t trust Donald Trump to decide what I should have for my dinner, let alone whether or not to invade a country.”
However, Republican Chuck Williams told us, “I am not a clever man, but it seems to me that if you’re the President, you should be allowed to change your mind all the time – I mean, it’s not like you’ll ever be making decisions on things are important.”


Racial inequality still not entrenched enough, claim Britain First



Britain First have hailed a new report claiming racial inequality is entrenched in Britain as ‘a good start’ but warned supporters not to become complacent.
The far-right group said that the review by the Equality and Human Rights Commission was great news, but insisted that white people still weren’t far enough ahead.
Britain First spokesmoron Trevor Williams told us, “The report says that black graduates earn 23% less than white ones, but why isn’t this 50%? Why are we setting the bar so low in our drive for absolute supremacy?
“It also says that being black in Britain can feel like ‘living in a different world’; but why can’t it see them literally living in a different country?
“Sometimes it feels that – despite the best efforts of everyone here at Britain First – people that we don’t like are still managing to get by, and that is simply unacceptable.”
Britain First have called on all supporters to do more to ensure black and foreign people can’t get ahead in this country, though experts are predicting the group’s leaders will collectively shit the bed when they find out there is such a thing a ‘black millionaires’.


Bright orange woman insists her tan is natural



A woman the same colour as a piece of tropical fruit is keen you should believe her tan is entirely natural.
Simone Williams, 26, who claims she recently went on the ‘most mad’ holiday to Bali, returned to work approximately the same shade as a tangerine which she described as ‘totes real’ while attempting to hide the palms of her hands.
“Obvs I’m careful with the sunscreen, but I just tan, like, really quickly and naturally,” she told colleagues.
“You wouldn’t believe what it was like – I just went this colour from snorkelling off my hangovers in the afternoon,” she added, carefully stepping around the fact that to ‘just go’ that colour she would have to have been swimming through the runoff from a major chemical plant.
Co-workers have nodded and smiled politely through Simone’s description of how she came to be the peculiar colour, before retreating to the toilets to forensically dissect her story and speculate that the holiday was actually in Margate.
Having successfully carried off her deception, Simone next plans to act surprised and pretend she thought everyone’s teeth glow under ultraviolet light.