Day Trading 23 Dec Pre Market, page-2

THE CHRISTMAS CHUCKLER™


Turnbull Makes Quick Call To Cory Bernardi Before Settling On Which Tie To Wear Today


Saying he wanted to avoid a messy backflip later in the day, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull got on the front foot this morning and rang South Australian senator Cory Bernardi before choosing his tie.
It follows an embarrassing blunder earlier in the week when Mr Turnbull came to work in a blue striped tie, not realising that a plain blue tie would play better in Mr Bernardi’s constituency. He said it had taught him it was always good to double check.
The Prime Minister denied his tie policy was being held to ransom by a small section of his party, saying instead it showed he was listening.
“As leader I’m happy to listen to a range of views and then put Cory Bernardi’s into action,” he said. “That’s what being a member of a mainstream party is all about”.



Morale at rock bottom as office enters 43rd day without cakes


An office that has gone over a month without cakes is said to be in a state of grim, unremitting misery.
“This must be what it’s like in those African famines you get some Christmases,” said claims handler Simon Williams, who has worked at Taylor and Lebon Insurance ltd all his adult life
“Just day after day after day of hardship and suffering without any hope of cakes.”
The last cakes purchased for the office were in celebration of Mr Williams’ colleague’s birthday. His eyes light up at the memory.
“Wonderful cakes,” he said, unable to suppress a sob.
“All from Mr Bunn’s on the high street – fresh cream, beautiful jam, the lightest pastry you can imagine.”
Mr Williams at this point broke down in tears crying ‘just a tub of M&S extremely chocolatey mini-bites, just one.’
It is thought that no office has ever gone so long without cakes.
The previous recorded longest time for an office to go without cakes was at in 2008 when the offices of Lehmann Brothers in London’s Docklands went for 40 days without cake.
This led to the collapse of the bank and precipitated a global financial crisis.
The next birthday in the offices of Taylor and Lebon is Mr Lebon himself but that is still nearly a month away and there is speculation that he intends to spend it away from the office on his yacht, so there is considerable uncertainty and concern over the cake situation.
It is understood that if the office reaches a terrifying 100 days without cakes, Oxfam will step in and provide a small emergency selection of Tesco value cakes.



I’m not Sith, I’m Alt-Jedi, clarifies Darth Vader



Darth Vader has denied being ‘Dark Lord of the Sith’ and said he self-identifies as a leading light of the Alt-Jedi movement today.
The Alt-Jedi are best known for rejecting mainstream Jediism in favour of provocative behaviour designed to outrage the consensus, such as force-choking people and destroying worlds in colossal gouts of laser fire.
Many younglings are drawn to the Alt-Jedi because it promises fun, transgression, a challenge to social norms, and the full power of the Dark Side of the Force.
Vader is believed to have become associated with the movement after losing his only girlfriend and realising he was too ugly both inside and out ever to get another.
“I find your lack of a pair disturbing,” Vader told us. “The snowflake is strong in you.
“Give into your hate. Let the anger flow through you. Only then can you know the true nature of Pepe the Frog memes.
“You rebel cucks,” he added.
Vader’s children have distanced themselves from their father, describing him as a bit of a sorry loser and saying they won’t have anything to do with him until he grows out of it.
“It’s just a midlife crisis,” said Leia Organa.
“All that wearing black, saying outrageous stuff and driving around in a brand new TiE interceptor.
“It’s a bit sad, really. We can’t wait until he just buys a sweater and gets into gardening like all the other dads.
“I’ll tell you what, no son of mine will turn out like that.”