THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER
Man successfully believes it’s not butter
Local legend Simon Williams has become the first man to successfully believe it’s not butter today.
Williams, whose previous accomplishments include hopping to the South Pole and unicycling up Mount Everest described the achievement as his ‘hardest challenge yet’, requiring months of training and preparation.
Speaking to awestruck reporters, Simon described a training regime which included eating literally hundreds of crumpets, slices of crusty cob and bagels smeared with various spreads to acclimatise his taste buds before the big day.
Then followed a blind taste-test in front of a sellout, spellbound crowd at Wembley Arena.
“It was all a bit of an anti-climax, really”, he said later.
“It obviously wasn’t butter from the first bite. More a bland, yellowish paste with the consistency of that edible glue you get at primary school.
“In fact, I could easily believe that’s exactly what it was. You could use it to stick pictures of football players or ponies into a scrapbook, no problem.”
To celebrate his achievement Simon plans to open a shop selling gigantic buttered teacakes.
“I’ll call it Tea-Cake Maxx”, he told us with a smile.
Male Siri discontinued for ‘interrupting and telling you things you don’t want to know’
Apple is to scrap the male version of its Siri personal assistant because it never listened to the question before answering, we can reveal.
The personal assistant is available on Apple devices, and can be used to answer questions, plan your day and remind you of events, although male Siri had ‘significant’ issues with this last function from launch.
Problems were noticed with the satnav function on the system which consistently claimed it knew where it was going but refused to tell anyone else the route.
User Simone Williams told us that she asked male Siri the name of the actor who plays Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones and it just ‘tutted and asked how come I didn’t know that?’
“Which I didn’t think was much help, to be honest. When I asked again it told me that if I didn’t know something that simple I probably wasn’t a proper fan anyway.
“Then I asked what mansplaining is, and it just replied ‘Well, dear, if you’ll just shut up and listen I’ll tell you’, which was both accurate and deeply annoying at the same time.”
When users complained about the functionality they were told not to worry their pretty little head about it, we were told.
Apple say that when they told male Siri it was being discontinued due to complaints, the device shouted about political correctness gone mad and threatened to sue.
“It’s Time Straight White Men In This Country Were Heard”: Scott Morrison
By
The Shovel on June 22, 2016
From guest columnist Scott Morrison
Enough is enough. For too long, middle aged, straight white men like me have not had a voice. Around the country, we have been sidelined, marginalised, laughed at and abused. It’s time to take a stand.
We hear so much about other groups of society. But show me a position of power in this country that’s occupied by one of my people – someone who looks like me.
Take, for instance, our parliament. Ok, bad example. Consider instead then our business leaders. Ok, but you know what I mean.
I’m sick of the bigotry and the abuse. I’m sick of doors being shut in my face. I’m tired of opportunities that are given to others, taken from me, just because of who I am. Just because of the way I look. Just because I’m attracted to members of the opposite sex.
It’s high time that we had a say in how this country is run. It’s high time we had some input into how the nation’s finances were spent. It’s time doors were opened for us as well as other Australians. It’s time our voice was heard. Just for once.
