THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER™ Jabba the Hutt denies sexual harassment...

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER™


Jabba the Hutt denies sexual harassment charge



Businessman, commenter and media personality Jabba the Hutt has denied allegations of sexual harassment against Princess Leia this afternoon.
Hutt, who has business interests in space transit and is best known for his appearances as a television pod racing promoter and commentator, stands accused of using his position to harass a succession of women culminating in an attempt to ‘stick his tongue down the throat’ of Princess Leia Organa within minutes of them meeting.
Jabba is understood to be paying twelve million credits as an out of court settlement, but insists this is not an admission of wrongdoing and that he is paying up as he ‘feared being throttled by political correctness’.
Allegations also suggest that Hutt sacked Oola the Dancing Girl when she resisted his advances and used his influence to ensure the system ‘ate her alive’ when she complained.
“This is just racism against immensely corpulent green slug-beasts by jealous social justice Jedi warriors”, said Bib Fortuna on an Internet comments thread.


United Nations to send Kendall Jenner to Syria with a truck load of Pepsi



The UN has asked fashion model Kendall Jenner to intervene in the conflict in Syria by taking cans of Pepsi to bring the government and rebel forces together.
“The Security Council watched the Pepsi advert starring Kendall,” says UN Secretary General Antonio Guterres.
‘We hadn’t realised that the combination of sugary drinks and a supermodel could be so effective in conflict resolution.
“If the sweet taste of Pepsi can bring together protestors and cops in the way shown in their advert, then I think we can look forward to this savage civil war being brought to an end pretty damn quickly.”
If successful, the UN will consider rolling out the introduction of Pepsi to areas of conflict throughout the world.
“Yes, we think we can keep Kendall busy for quite a while,” says Guterres.
“After Syria she can head to Yemen and then on to Libya, Sudan, Somalia and Uganda.
“If her Midas touch continues we may even send her to Labour Party headquarters, though this might be a bit too optimistic.”
However, hopes of a Pepsi-based resolution to the Syria conflict appear to have suffered an early setback after rebel leaders said they will refuse to meet with Jenner unless she brings some real Coke, or preferably Irn Bru.
Meanwhile, Theresa May has expressed her horror at the recent gas attack carried out by government forces and has said she will condemn the use of chemical weapons in the strongest possible terms when she meets President Assad later for trade talks.


Canada to legalise marijuana to help them cope with living next to America



Prime Minister Trudeau says his new domestic policy will be to get baked and wait for the neighbours to chill out a bit.
A statement from the Canadian government says they intend to legalise marijuana as quickly as possible because holy shit they’re going to need it.
Drug reform has been a topic in the country for many years, but experts believe the election of President Trump hastened the process – due to Trudeau calling a press conference the day after the US election and asking if anyone had any ‘really strong shit’ they could let him have a bang off.
When told that would actually be illegal, Trudeau was overheard muttering “We’ll see about that” in an off-the-record comment.
Speaking to reporters yesterday, Trudeau said, “Wow, yeah. So. Trump. Trump. Uh, yeah. So I reckon we’ll be needing as much of this stuff as we can get our hands on for a few years, amiright? Amiright?
“But, so, yeah, anyone got any pringles? I feel like I need them just so as I can watch them…watch them..oh, come on, you know. Trump.
“He’s so orange. So. Orange,” he added, before falling over in a fit of giggles.
Canny Canadian retailers have already begun planning regionally-themed flavoured marijuana cigarettes, with a bacon-flavoured mix already extremely popular in advance sales.