Day Trading 8 Jul Pre Market, page-2

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER

Fears For Pauline Hanson’s Health After She Realises Some Asians Are Also Muslim

By The Shovel on July 5, 2016

One Nation leader Pauline Hanson has been hospitalised and was in a serious condition tonight after discovering some people are simultaneously Asian and Muslim.
“Until now she just assumed they were two separate evils that could be tackled individually. The realisation hit her pretty hard,” a One Nation staffer said.
“When you consider that Asians are ruining Australia and Muslims are ruining Australia too, who knows what sort of damage an Asian Muslim could do to this country. We could be swamped by terrorists”.
He said staffers held back from informing Ms Hanson that the number of people containing both attributes may run into the hundreds of millions. “I’m not sure she would have survived that statistic,” he said.


Bunnings Announces Hostile Takeover Bid For All 8,000 Polling Booths To Regain Control Of Sausage Sizzle Market

By The Shovel on July 2, 2016

Wesfarmers, parent company of Bunnings, today launched an audacious attempt to take control of all 8,390 polling booths in Australia, in a clear play for the lucrative charity sausage-sizzle market.
Bunnings once controlled 80% of the sausage-sizzle market (SSM), but figures today showed its share had fallen below 10% as consumers flocked to competitor SS operators at polling booths.
In what would be seen as a reverse takeover (Bunnings has just 324 outlets), Wesfarmers would take control of election-day operations at schools, churches and community halls around the country.
“People only come to polling booths because they know they’ll be rewarded with a sausage, which is also the only reason they come to Bunnings. So it’s a natural fit,” a spokesperson for the hardware chain said.
He believed Bunnings could add a lot to the voting process. “No-one puts an oily sausage in white bread like we do – we think we can bring a lot of efficiencies. Get your sausage, vote for your favourite candidate, and walk out with a compound mitre saw you never wanted”.

John Howard Says His Decision To Get Spray Tan Was Based On Best Information Available At The Time

By The Shovel on July 7, 2016

Former Prime Minister John Howard addressed the media today telling reporters he does not regret his decision to paint his face orange.
Mr Howard said he disagreed with the assertion that he had lied about tanning his 76 year-old face. “There was no lie. There were errors in intelligence but there was no lie,” he said.
“Were there mistakes in the way I applied the tan? Probably. Should I have thought more carefully about instinctively following the presumptive Republican Presidential nominee’s choice in face-colour? Perhaps. But that’s all very easy to say in hindsight. It was the right thing to do at the time”.
Mr Howard said while he respected people’s varying views, he stood behind his decision. “Of course I defend it. I don’t retreat from it. I don’t believe, based on the information available to me, that it was the wrong decision. I really don’t.”
In unrelated news, Mr Howard admitted his decision to invade Iraq wasn’t based on any intelligence at all.

Marvel’s new ‘black teenage’ Ironman to be shot by white policeman



Marvel Comics have revealed that the new Ironman will be a black teenage girl, who will be shot by a white police officer in the first issue.
15-year-old Riri Williams will take on the iconic role when Tony Stark hangs up his boots, before being shot several times by an officer who felt ‘threatened’ when the car she is travelling in is pulled over for a bust tail light.
The awarding of the role to a black teenager – even for just one issue – is seen as a positive step for race relations in the United States.
A spokesperson for Marvel explained, “We’re glad to give this role to a black female teenager, and we think her powerful – though very brief – storyline is one with which many black teenagers across America will be able to identify.
“She’s a bright, academically gifted student who has never been in trouble her entire life, but who for some unknown reason isn’t well liked by the white policeman that pulls them over.
“I won’t spoil what happens next, needless to say, the policeman is currently suspended pending an investigation.”
Marvel were then asked who is likely to follow the now-deceased Riri Williams as the techno-suited superhero.
The spokesperson went on, “The next Ironman? Probably a white male, because of the longer projected lifespan and all that – we have the franchise to think about.”