Share market double speak, courtesy of Marcus Padley ...
"DOUBLE MEANING
There are a lot of things in the share market that say one thing but mean another. Like these for instance:
All the best for tomorrow
- Invest for the long term – Please don’t ring up when we lose your money in the short term.
- Invest for the long term – Because I won’t be here to take your call if it goes wrong.
- The market always goes up – I am a first year Paraplanner.
- Buy and hold – All I want to do is sell you this managed fund, take the trail for the rest of my life and never have to speak to you ever again.
- What you need is a diversified portfolio – I have absolutely no value to add when it comes to stock selection.
- We take a balanced approach – Your losses will balance out your gains.
- We recommend a conservative approach – You know you really could be doing this online if you had half a brain.
- It’ll be alright in the end – It was a terrible recommendation in the beginning.
- Average down – I know absolutely nothing about technical analysis.
- If you never sell you never make a loss – I’m an idiot.
- Compound that at 12.5% per annum and you double your money every six years– I’m a salesman.
- Invest in businesses not share prices – I have been an analyst for 20 years but have never bought a share in my life.
- The market is a popularity contest in the short term and a weighing machine in the long term – I’m sticking to my guns despite all the money you’ve lost on paper.
- Our favourite holding period is forever – It’s got really ugly now but I still refuse to admit I’m wrong.
- You can’t time the market – I can’t time the market.
- It’s a conviction buy – No-one takes any notice of my buy recommendations.
- It’s a high conviction buy – No-one takes any notice of my conviction buy recommendations.
- It’s a high conviction sell – They strung us along on that corporate pitch for weeks then did the deal through UBS instead.
- The capital raising is for working capital purposes – It’s our annual grab for cash which allows me to bung my non-executive brother-in-law $30,000 and continue paying myself $200,000 per annum and cover the listing fees for another year.
- We have had an independent valuation done – We have paid someone to tell you our company is worth what we want it to be worth.
- It’s a private placement – We gave all the stock to our mates at a discount to the market.
- We are facing challenging conditions (from a big four bank) – We are raking it in, pumping our customers and have just announced another record profit, we just don’t want all those lefties bleating about a big bank tax again.
- I am a value investor – I know nothing about timing the market.
- I am a trader – I can’t be arsed doing any fundamental analysis.
- You can start with only $10,000 – We are incredibly good at separating our clients from their capital.
- Broking is great! – I’m not sure I’m going to cut it as a landscape gardener but what else am I going to do?
- Avoid ANZ Capital Notes – We are really missing the point of hybrids.
- ETFs are fantastic – I’ve never bought an ETF or I’d know that trading most ETFs is like watching paint dry.
- We are moving from BUY to HOLD – Sell.
- We are moving from HOLD to UNDERPERFORM – Sell.
- SELL – It’s too late to sell.
- Come to our free seminar – Come and be told nothing whilst you’re sold something.
- Nevertheless, although, however, on the other hand, for the most part, generally speaking, more often than not, unless of course – I’m an economist.
- We are forecasting a 9% rise in the All Ords index by the end of December – I’m a strategist at a big funds management group.
- Yes I’d love to be in the Herald Sun stock picking competition – I’m about to be publicly humiliated by a monkey, a dartboard, an astrologer and a member of the Oarsome Foursome."
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