Daytrading, 30th Sept, Pre-Market., page-3

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER!™




American union of henchmen, sidekicks, and stooges to endorse Donald Trump



The Trump campaign received a boost yesterday as it was announced that the American Union of henchmen, sidekicks, and stooges would be throwing their weight behind the Republican candidate.
“You know, this guy, this Trump guy, he’s alright,” said union representative Simon ‘knuckles’ Williams.
“A lot of our guys have had associations with him. You know, I can’t say too much, but Trump, he’s given each of us a lot of work in in his time and he’s always been a stand-up guy.”
Mr Williams went on to describe what, in his opinion, makes Mr Trump worthy of the UHSS’ support.
“Well, Trump, he’s a good guy, you know? He’s never had anyone whacked, not unless they really deserved it.
“He’s stood up for us against these crazy people who think we should be henchpeople, not henchmen. I mean, whatever, right?
“Best thing about Trump though? The guy’s really rich, and he’s not afraid to look after the guys that are loyal to him, you know what I’m saying?”
Mr Trump declared himself thrilled with the UHSS’ support.
“It’s great to have these guys on board,” he said, whilst inexplicably sniffing more than is necessary.
“Do we love the henchmen of America, I mean, do we? Oh yeah, yeah we do.”
The UHSS become the fourth major organisation to support Trump after the American Association of Thugs and hardasses, the KKK, and the legion of SuperVillains.


Mel Gibson opens Jewish history museum in his garage



Mel Gibson has opened a museum of Jewish History at his home in Malibu, California. The exhibition, which is presently confined to Gibson’s garage but may expand into the adjoining utility room as his collection grows, will trace the history of the Jewish people from their humble desert origins to their current status as “global puppetmasters”.
As well as financing the project, thought to have cost between $50 and $100, Gibson is also serving as curator, having painstakingly sourced and arranged objects that tell the Jewish story from what he hopes will prove to be a fresh new perspective.
A press release for the museum’s opening states, “Most of what we hear about Jewish history is sad. It’s a history of oppression, persecution, and suffering. But my museum is all about telling a happier story.”
“For example,” the press release continues, “did you know that the Holocaust never really happened?!”
Gibson claims to have assembled an unprecedented wealth of historical artefacts, crayon drawings, and printouts of web pages proving that the Jewish people have enjoyed a remarkably untroubled existence throughout the centuries, benefiting from a seemingly endless run of good luck and the loving grace of all Catholics.
“Obviously this is about making amends,” Gibson writes in the same press release.
“Ten years ago I said some stupid things to a Jew who arrested me, and I want to make it up to him and all the Jews with this monument to their many, many, many happy centuries of highly profitable existence on earth and also their total domination of the entertainment industry and politics.”
The Museum of Jewish History in Malibu is free to enter and will remain open until the beginning of November, after which Gibson’s housemate plans to use the garage as a pop-up tattoo studio.


Russia utterly fantastic, insists impartial anonymous Internet commenter



A complete stranger on an Internet comments thread is really keen to let you know just how honest and decent Vladimir Putin is.
Commenter SimoVil83, who has never engaged with you in any way before now, is perfectly prepared to spend the entire afternoon aggressively arguing that the Russian premier is a great man no matter what, which seems curious considering his profile claims he has a well-paid, demanding and successful job.
Generously taking the time out of his role as a leading investment analyst, technical consultant and lawyer to educate you, what Simo’s position lacks in supporting evidence he more than makes up for in vehemence and persistence.
Despite what you might think, Russia doesn’t routinely brutalise and imprison journalists and political opponents, and those 80,000 troops on the Estonian border are actually allEstonia’s fault.
The Russian economy is going swimmingly too, and now we come to think about it that whopping great palace on the Black Sea was paid for by voluntary donations.
Should you fail to be convinced by this, Simo plans to tell you just how stupid you are, point out imperfections within your own nation in an attempt to undermine the credibility of your position, and suggest you educate yourself properly.
Considering the amount of time Simo spends doing this, you’d almost think he had an agenda of his own.