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THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER

Greens New ‘Cleaner Energy’ Plan To Harness Energy Of Household Cleaners & Nannies

By The Shovel on May 29, 2016

Greens leader Richard Di Natale today unveiled his party’s Cleaner Energy plan, a $35m incentive scheme to encourage household cleaners and au pairs to get peddling and generate electricity.
“Cleaner energy is an almost totally untapped source of power”, Di Natale said at the policy’s launch. “When you factor in the very low cost of employing cleaners, au pairs or nannies, we would be crazy not to generate power from them.”
The new policy will see small generators attached to exercise bikes installed in the homes of anyone who has a cleaner. The power will then be funnelled directly into the national grid.
Di Natale also added that as live-in cleaners would be generating their own power, they would require a much lower total package of benefits – typically $500 per week for an au pair boarding with families on hobby farms.



Great Barrier Reef ‘Not White Enough’ Pauline Hanson Says

By The Shovel on May 31, 2016

Controversial Senate candidate Pauline Hanson has criticised a campaign to stop the bleaching of Australia’s Great Barrier Reef, saying it is time to accept that the experimentation with colour hasn’t worked.
“Australians are sick and tired of all these different colours taking over our reef. Well enough’s enough. This is Australia. This is our culture. And if you want to be part of our reef then you need to adopt our colour, which is white,” Ms Hanson said.
The former politician, who is hoping to gain a Queensland Senate seat at the upcoming election, said she wasn’t surprised the reef was now split into white and coloured areas. “They [the coloured coral] simply refuse to integrate”.


Melbourne Café Now Selling Deconstructed Irony

By The Shovel on June 1, 2016

A café in North Fitzroy is giving customers all the ingredients they need to make a smug social statement.
Served on an assortment of materials that can be used to build an old chopping board, the irony costs just $4, payable in four 1983 $1 notes.
Customer Sarah McTavish said she was one of the first to discover the new trend. “Going to cafés that pre-assemble their irony is so 2015. What a great idea to give you the materials to create your own self-important milieu”.

Whoops! Reality TV Contestant Goes To Air Without A Backstory

By The Shovel on June 9, 2014

26 year-old Hayley White went on live television last night without an emotional anecdote describing how unlikely it was that she made it this far, given the challenges she has had to overcome in her life.
She wasn’t even able to conjure a quirky story about secretly listening to her parent’s Marvin Gaye LPs on a second-hand record player when she was a child.
The embarrassing slip up apparently occurred due to a technical error in the network’s scripting department.
When asked to describe the obstacles she had faced in getting here, Ms White said there had been a parked car in a clearway near her house, but otherwise it was a pretty clear run.