I look forward to seeing your dress.
as for fretting. I’m not really. Of course because I post stuff it might look that way but it is no more healthy to just look like and act like you’ve moved on. Humans have a process to work through and that takes a different amount of time for different people. Being strangled a few times isn’t a nice experience. It is designed to break you and to shut you up. It nearly did both.
I made a decision to talk about my experience because I had not talked about it to anyone over the period it happened other than the gardeners who saw the bruises and scratched face.
People will judge me for speaking now, or not, but part of healing is to accept that people judge whatever. It was fear of HIS judgment that cowed me.
but talking about that experience increasingly feels not much different to talking about my trip to Samarkand, sitting in Trafalgar Square and feeling like I was on the monopoly board, the first meal I made for my brother in law and his wife - and his reaction, listening to a group of Scottish school kids at hadrians wall ( I couldn’t understand a word they said), playing queen of the buttercup fairies with my sister in a field of buttercups wearing one of my mother’s old lace curtains, getting a whack in the back from a very fierce hockey player who didn’t much like my technique, winning or losing a fencing bout.
life is full of experiences. I am where I am now as life follows the meandering path. Where I am now has been shaped by this man and my willingness to allow it to happen - whatever the reason for doing that (fear, misguided optimism, hope, stupidity - it doesn’t matter). To pretend it didn’t happen is foolish. To not speak about it means I would be putting into a dark box something that nearly broke me
in my experience- myself and the work I have done for over 45 years - people who will not look at themselves or their experiences do themselves most damage. Our bodies keep the stories. We become who we are as much by the stories we tell ourselves and the things we think others need from us as from the actual experience. Reflection is part of that and a willingness to go on the mental as much as the emotional journey. I have far more compassion for him than you might imagine.
I can look and see more than is obvious. I always could. What I didn’t do is use that to protect myself. I didn’t listen to my intuition or the warnings that were there. I allowed myself to be swept along. I think I can see what it might have been for him too but I think our reasons were utterly different and herein lay the problem. I could go into more of that but it’s not for here it’s in the book. It is what it is. My process of healing means it will be dealt with and let go. It will not shape my life for the worse.
but I am actually proud of where I am now. My heart is, for the most part, at peace. I am content. I know myself much better and by paying attention I can see that I am kind (even if it got and gets me into trouble), I am a good friend, I am good company, I like cooking, I like art I like people. I can also recognise that I get triggered by some things. That’s ok because we all do. I’m not perfect but I’m not an arse either. I live a gentle life but it’s by no means boring. I can laugh. I can love. I can see wonder. I can relax. I can enjoy things. My friends are varied by age and interests. I get pleasure from simple things and don’t covet all those things that he thought I wanted.
the process of healing is what it is But you shouldn’t assume that looking at the past means I am not living my present. What you don’t know is how much I have to clean up - physically and financially. That takes time and I do what I can step by step. I was very comfortable before he arrived so there is no reason that can’t be the case again. By doing it my way I get to enjoy my life and the rest is getting sorted very nicely thank you.
I’m ok.
