@Joannie - What a life you have lived! Be glad you had all those...

@Joannie - What a life you have lived! Be glad you had all those experiences - and you are now aware that damage has been done to other people, but most likely to yourself, too. It is too late now to be sad and remorseful - but it seems you have forgiven yourself. Your relationship with your husband is a work in progress and it can only be decided between the two of you which way it is going to go, but you seem to have it in hand for now. My good wishes, that it may continue in a positive way for both of you.

Daughters, children can be difficult. Over the years I had all kinds of very good to bad relationships with all three of my girls, often they tried to 'take over', tried to disrespect me - that sort of thing. I guess boys do that with their fathers. One of my lady friends (who is also a migrant, from France) also has three daughters and she had the same experience and was even prevented from seeing her first-born grand child - but they have a good relationship now.
As for my family; we are all sad about S. having died, but it was expected and we had the chance to zoom with her for about 3 month before her death. This is now something the three of us are grappling with - eldest daughter seems to have the least problem, but she is health professional and had visited her sister twice in the last year and saw the way she was deteriorating close-up. Youngest daughter always thought - when they were children - they would play duos or be professional musicians together - and was disappointed to be left behind - so she dawdled and experimented her way through life, lost her Daddy - was then resentful of me - etc etc. but we have a good relationship now and she has a focused and professional outlook in the way she runs her life - with husband and dogs and a great job.

I do not really understand why relations with one's Mum have to be complicated, except that human relationships are always complex and it makes no difference if you are related or not, similar principles of dealing with the world apply - and it is important to remain 'adult' and responsible and respectful and not lecture. I behave in outrageous ways at times (but it's theater and controlled) - not at or with them, but in the things I do, and they give me a grudging respect for that, never quite knowing if 'Mum's for real'. I enjoy to keep them a little off-balance and probably crave the attention it gets me - silly me!

I also married young and we managed to remain a happy married couple until the day my husband died so unexpectedly. One thing we always did, we had common goals, we were incredibly busy and we helped one another, and we always said nice things to one another; I cannot remember ever having said something hurtful to him or he to me. There are lots of stories, but they are not for these pages.

Parsifal said a lot of wise things to you - I can only agree with her.

so: children sometimes have legitimate reasons to resent their parents - but sometimes parents simply become the whipping boy (girl) for things which are going wrong in their lives and it takes a lot of patience to wait until they have come to their senses or have matured - sometimes they don't - and you will have to just brush yourself off and accept the situation as is and stand by to help out, when needed.

There is a very simple recipe I use at times: in all our relationships we can be three things: child, adult (on an even footing) or parent - I remember reading a book about this years ago - and it is useful to analyse one's conversations to see, whether we are dealing with our adult 'children' on an even footing, or whether we relapse into the parent role, or worse, whether we are also childish in our reaction to them?!

I won't be on-line tomorrow or Sunday and wish you a Happy Mother's Day, dear Joannie!
Taurisk