Feel Better:Complain About Anything

Originally posted by Parsifal: ↑

hotcopper clearly thinks I should just be responding generally so here goes

I just think I’m lucky with the people in my life these days. I must, however, have had a lot of karmic debt to pay. With luck that’s done. As for the other - I just think he never learnt to get over himself.

There’s something weird to me about someone who took no responsibility for himself and others in that version of the present, (though he may have stashed money given he is back talking about houses again) is always gunna whatever and then feels entitled and more clever and learned than others.

While I’ve been cleaning out the shed - mostly with help from others, we’ve been struck by the sheer waste. I have a frightening amount of 3inch pipe coupling pieces for example. You’d know how much those cost. Just sitting there. Outside is 3inch pipe lying around. I’ve packed away around four unopened boxes of sprinkler taps - metal and so on. There’s so many dollars there. I found three kitchen graters. Sitting there. Dozens of light bulbs as he changed his mind about what we should use and then bought so many of them.

Considering the way he still goes on about waste and frilly cushions (which I personally have never had so it’s some strange symbol) and clothes (hilarious since For the most part my clothes come from op shops and cost on average seven dollars a piece - since I prefer them over new and always have) there’s something obnoxious about seeing the waste there - on things that I had no interest in and would never have bought. All I can do is try to get some money back for it now.

whether there was a pot of gold here is, I guess, a matter of opinion. It’s a stunningly beautiful location and rainbows are a regular feature arching over the valley and framing the mountain. I feel I have created good bones in the garden. There are also some wonderful plants that have survived the time without me here. if you haven’t seen the flower of a liriodendron you’ve missed a treat. Or the chinese dogwood. If you haven’t smelt the scent of twelve daphnes or a similar number of lilac trees in full bloom your senses have not really been assaulted with perfume. The peonies are just coming out now.

There’s a bit of stuff that needs cutting out and the new owner has a lot to learn but he has a good sense of the place. He was talking about different parts of the garden. There’s one place i had wanted to build a “lake house”. He saw a similar vision. There’s another spot where it feels almost like one walks through a portal to a space that is deeply meditative. He feels the same. lots of these areas which speak to one so clearly and I love that the new owner gets it and probably more. He is sensitive to spirit and I like that. I might come back for a reiki treatment one day.

I always saw a hot tub off the deck stepping out from the main bedroom. So does he. he was also excited because we saw some devil scats on the place. He appears to have fallen in love with them as an animal.

so I think it’s going to someone who can make the dream better. Who is excited by the possibility. who is capable and wants to create something beautiful.

Funny - he told me my avatar was wise woman. Can’t tell you how often I get told that. Can’t feel it myself as I stumble through this life. wise...... it’s sort of humorous if it weren’t so tragically different from some of the decisions I’ve made. I feel much more like a naive muddler but know i still have an ability to encounter wonder, experience joy and gratitude.

Honestly the sense at the party was so utterly beautiful and we all felt it. It was a motley collection too - lots of wild long beards and hair and dreadlocks, neatly dressed conservative looking people, what might be called bogans (at a glance) but with hearts of gold and just people. All talking and laughing and welcoming.

anyway The new owner is yet to discover parts where the rocks just keep coming up no matter how many times you think you’ve cleared them. It’s where a mountain spewed it’s insides in a fit of tempestuous emotion. But it also looks out across the valley and there is something utterly majestic about being up there.

He generously tells me I can come back whenever I want to. And I can see that happening, as well as continuing to return to sit on the deck of my current neighbour and spend time in the setting sun admiring the view. His sauna and lap pool are enticing invitations.

before I sold the place I had been thinking of taking it off the market but when I was told there was someone wanting to look at it I couldn’t bring myself to go through with that thought. I felt strongly I had to wait and see how this person felt. when he said he wanted to go back on his own to get a feel for it I just knew somehow it was his. He didn’t quibble on price either. (Ridiculously cheap really)

when I was doing the “handover” as a spiritual thing rather than the legal process I had been going to play a karakia (a sung prayer ) that related to being guardian of the land. Anyway when he did his little speech he referred to the same thing. So there is synchronicity. I think this is as perfect as it can get when a lot of ones soul has gone into a place.

And yes I guess I feel sad and a little emotionally raw about it but I also think I’ve opened another door - at this stage just a chink but enough to start. I’m also very tired and when I’m tired .... well these days it’s a state I avoid. I have hardly had a minute to myself or to kick back since I got back here and the final few days in melbourne weren’t exactly a doddle either.

There’s still three months before I’m settled properly. I will have a month to fill in where I am literally homeless so I’ll be using it to visit friends I guess.

anyway everything will be a bit patchy for a while and then I’ll still have to unpack. but I have a vision of what the future might look like I just have to allow it to happen and do my part. I’m looking forward to stepping through that door. Then the past is past

I had asked where he wanted me send his mothers ashes and since I wouldn’t allow him on the property they are still here as he wouldn’t give me any option. So they are going to the rubbish tip. I was going to burn them again then but it doesn’t feel right to leave the remnants here and though the thought of binning them is awful I guess they weren’t important enough for him.

but there also another scarecrow to make and some songs to sing and prayers to say with the heat of a fire. Sounds a bit pagan and witch like doesn’t it? It’s more like the opportunity for a Phoenix. Transformation. An ending and a new beginning. I shall do it as I step out of this life and into the future.

no movie but real life. What and who will be in it?

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@Parsifal - what an inspirational bit of writing - you are a wizard (witch) with language!!
I am not certain, I could have parted with such a beautiful place, but your back story makes sense and I wish you a good new beginning - there is always time for a new beginning - I am feeling the same way, even now - but to begin anew, one has to end things first and that takes courage and you seem to have oodles of.

I will check out those plants hyou write so beautifully about; - I have a small lilac bush, which took years to grow to 1 1/2m tall () - and this year no flowers - the weather has been too warm and it was warm at the wrong time of the year, so no flowers. I am a glutton for fragrant flowers, too, but too ignorant and lazy to plant and cherish. Peonies! my favourite childhood flower -

Talking about waste and rubbish - I had to discard a lot of things after my husband died, including tools I knew not to use, but he always 'made things' and made use of almost anything - he was very creative. I still remember pine post he had collected and was going to use 'one day' - well he died and I took stuff to the Sunday market at Karrinyup - sold all his tools for a pittance of about $1000, but starry-eyed handymen who bought those treasures were a sight to behold and well worth it. The posts I advertised and the day before the ad came out I decided to check them out and move them from their cosy corner behind the garage. Well, they very light for starters and on closer inspection they had been made a feast of by white ants - my white lie to people answering the ad was: they had been sold .. .

Well, Phoenix, re-invent yourself - it is an exciting thing to do - and I wish you lots of circumspection and good luck!
Go well
Taurisk