King Arthur music] [clop clop clop] ARTHUR: Halt! [horn] Hallo! [pause] Hallo! FRENCH GUARD: Allo! Who is eet? ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this? FRENCH GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard. ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. FRENCH GUARD: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see. ARTHUR: What? GALAHAD: He says they've already got one! ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one? FRENCH GUARD: Oh, yes. It's very nice-a. (I told him we already got one.) FRENCH GUARDS: [chuckling] ARTHUR: Well, u-- um, can we come up and have a look? FRENCH GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a! ARTHUR: Well, what are you, then? FRENCH GUARD: I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?! GALAHAD: What are you doing in England? FRENCH GUARD: Mind your own business! ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force! FRENCH GUARD: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt! GALAHAD: What a strange person. ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man-- FRENCH GUARD: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to? FRENCH GUARD: No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a! [sniff] ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable. FRENCH GUARD: (Fetchez la vache.) OTHER FRENCH GUARD: Quoi? FRENCH GUARD: (Fetchez la vache!) [mooo] ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- [twong] [mooooooo] Jesus Christ! KNIGHTS: Christ! [thud] Ah! Ohh! ARTHUR: Right! Charge! KNIGHTS: Charge! [mayhem] FRENCH GUARD: Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go. [mayhem] FRENCH GUARD: And this one's for your dad! ARTHUR: Run away! KNIGHTS: Run away! FRENCH GUARD: Thppppt! FRENCH GUARDS: [taunting] LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I'll tear them apart! ARTHUR: No, no. No, no. BEDEVERE: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
[later]
[wind] [saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw] [clunk] [bang] [rewr!] [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak] [rrrr rrrr rrrr] [drilllll] [sawwwww] [clunk] [crash] [clang] [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...] [creak] FRENCH GUARDS: [whispering] C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here... [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...] [clllank] ARTHUR: What happens now? BEDEVERE: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed! ARTHUR: Who leaps out? BEDEVERE: U-- u-- uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uh... ARTHUR: Ohh. BEDEVERE: Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden badger-- [clank] [twong] ARTHUR: Run away! KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! [CRASH] FRENCH GUARDS: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh
